100th post, RAAAAAWRGH!!!

Unfortunately, there's some sadness. Lots of sadness, actually.

Livejournal has stolen my soul, and I'm never around here anymore, so... I think I'm officially going to retire this blog. :(

If you're one of my many (lolright) followers who I know will be distraught over this, you can catch me at my LiveJournal Account. Though I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this. o.o I update there more often than anywhere else, so... yeah. :S Sad day.

I think that's all I've got right now... Yeah.

See you guys around... -sniff-

Ταθ <3

Αντιο, Μοσχα!!

Only for a couple days, though. I'll be back (however briefly) to work, then I'll head down to the G once more. Until I come up again for work. >.<

Oh, life.

Not sure what I'm gonna be doing Christmas night (other than spending it alone -sadface-). Everything's gonna be closed, I'm sure. And everyone's gonna be with family, or drinking. Drinking no bueno. Need to find someone to not drink with.

As a consequence of going home, I won't have internet. I'm not even bringing my laptop with me. There are other things to do down there, luckily. Not much, but enough to keep me from going insane. Might bust out a saddle and see if I remember how to get onto a horse.

BUT before I leave, I have to share this with the world:

Got introduced to them through a friend (who I love-slash-hate right about now because this song is all I've been singing for the past TWELVE HOURS). The song itself is great. I. Love. It. Lyrics, overall sound, and the color content, naturally. And the video just makes you go "...Wtf?". It's a nice combination, really.

I'll get you back for this, unnamed friend. Just you wait. D:<

And with that, I go to my shiny red car and drive off into the sunset. Err... noonday sun. Yeah.

See you in a few days, Moscow!!

~Positive Post~

So very very glad that school is over. I needed this break.

And now that I don't have classes to stress about, I've taken up writing again. Music and poetry, my mediums once more.

I'm also noticing how often I post here, compared to my other journal. Not really sure why, though. It might have something to do with the fact that I can limit who sees my entries on LiveJournal. Ah, well.

Hey, I got a comment on my last post-blurb-snippet thingy. Kinda surprised me. I was all like "Woah... someone actually reads this? :O" It was a good kind of surprised, though. Indeed.

Uhm, what else to spout about... it's almost Christmas! But you knew that. Hrm...

Heading back to the G in a couple days. Excited to see Dad and the sibs, not so excited to be in the G. There's... not really anything there for me anymore. I've moved on, moved out. I consider Moscow to be my home now, though HOME home will always be with Dad.

Think that's it for now. See you when I see you.
~Ταθ

Vagueness~

It tastes like confusion and pain and unshed tears.

MusicNeedMusicMustHaveMusic

 I have no clue where this swing came from. Like... I honestly have no clue. I was just sitting. Just sitting! And all of a sudden, I feel the need to curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep. There's this massive hole in my being that came out of NNNNOWHERE, and it's just chilling here like "Hey, we're gonna make you feel miserable for a while." It's nothing hormonal, I know. And it hasn't been this intense in a loooooong time. I've had my moments, for sure, but shit.

And the worst thing is, I can't stand myself when I'm like this. I'm... kinda gross right now. Clingy and miserable and ick. Wanting someone. Wanting something everyone else seems to have. It... hurts.

To accompany this, YOU aren't helping any. Iddon'twanttohearyougushaboutyourboyfriendanymorebecausefranklymydearIdon'tgiveaflyingfuck.

...No. You don't want to hear this. I'm whining and self-pitying and gross right now, and you don't need to/want to hear it.

Σ'αγαπο, και καληνυχτα.

For Tath and Tath Alone...

Yyyyyyeah. The next week or so is going to be a Tath week, meaning that when Katelynn has down-time, Tath is taking over. Not really sure why, though. Could be that I'm pissed at people still, and this is my subtle way of sticking it to the proverbial man. Could be that I need to destress, and this is a fitting way for me to unwind. Whatever the reason, Tath is coming out. No one will know (except for the people reading this, and even then they'll be like "wtf?"), and I'll get to let myself out for a time.

Everyone wins, because ignorance is bliss, aye.

I miss Tath. With a passion. Quirky little closet case. SHE SHALL RAMPAGE AGAIN, THOUGH!! HAHAHA!!!

...Yeah. That's all I got.

OOH, OOH!! My Lashily is visiting tomorrow!! I miss her SO VERY MUCH. =^.^=

(drug-fuled blather)

Slept through a kickass storm last night, apparently. Kinda bummed about it, but I'm pretty sure that I would be dead today had i not slept. Like... Sleep last night was good, because the thermometer topped out at 103. I'm back down to 98.9, which is bueno. Hooray for normality. (And no. that wasn't a typo. 98.9 is pretty norms for me.)

...I had a shit ton of stuff I wanted to write tonight. But now that I'm actually sitting down and thinking about it, I can't remember anything. Typical.

Mm... I'd like a functioning computer cord. Plz and thankyoo.

People are... confusing. Very. Iiiiii wish I understood them better. Thought processes and whatnot.

"I am the modern man/who hides behind a mask/so no one else can see/my true identity."
I enjoy this song as of now. Or at least, I enjoy these few lines.

Uhm.... what else?

Oh. Last night's misery slump. Wasn't fun. Felt really fuckin' undesirable, and didn't know how to fix it. i was in that "What is wrong with me? am I just not pretty enough? Funny enough? Smart enough?" mindset. No bueno.

DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO!!

Shrimp is delicious. haven't had shrimp in a loooong time. Shrimp makes the kitty in me hapy. Very, very happy.

And, I'm thinking that it's time to go away. I need to lock the meds up so I don't take any more before bed. Because I have to wake upppp tomorrow. And go to CTC. Whee.

I hate being sick. And I hate medicine. i never take medicine when I'm sick. Except when roomie makes me go to the Student Death Center and they force meds upon me. let me get better on my owwwwwn! Do you see what your poison does to me!?

...Yeah. I'm done for now. If I had a computer cord, this wouldn't be happening, because I'd have my notation software and my emulator AND Lady Death's story all at my fingertips. buttt, no. Not for a while. Or at least until Saturday. Yayyyyy, payday!

((Also: Dear irrational crush; please leave me alone. I know nothing will happen between me and the person that I'm crushing on irrationally, so leave her and i alone, and let me be able to interact with her in a normal way. Thanks. ~Tath))

Speaking of Tath, she hasn't come out in a loooong time. Damn college. I might go for a walk one of these weekends. Maybe go to the park with a notebook or somethin' and let the Tathness shine for a while. Yeah.

I also can't help but notice that even though I said I was leaving a while ago, I'm still typing away! FREAKING MEDS. This is why I don't put anything into my body, children. Music and Cranberry-Pomegranate juice is as far as it goes! No drugs! No alcohol!

...I wonder what kind of drunk I would be if I drank. Hm.

NO. No more tangents. Sleepytime for psychotic Katelynn-thing. Yes. Sleep is good. Goin' to sleep now. Mhm. Here I go. Grarghlgshnarghle.

-sniffle-

"If I asked you how many best-best-best friends you had, would you tell me?"

"I have two."

"...That was quick. Only two? You sure?"

"Mhm. Just two." -sips drink-

"...Oh." -pause- "Am... Am I one of them?"

"No, sweetheart... you aren't."
----------------------------------
Urrrrrrgh. I'm getting a cold. This sucks.

DO. NOT WANT.

Like, what the hell, immune system? You never break this easily. :(

Aaaaaand, I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. But, I've got my Civ Bibliography due, and I should prolly get that in. yus.

-sniff-

I miss my lappytop. Poor guy has been sitting on my desk for the past three days, just waiting for me to supply him with a steady supply of power once more. Damn cord... But what can you do, really? It's been four years. About time something broke on that thing.

I love my brick of a laptop so much. ^_^

I'd really love to be able to write/print out some band parts right about now, not gonna lie. Never really realized how therapeutic composing actually is until now... Gah.

I totally could've busted out a band short tonight. Everything. Every part, hands down. Easily. But I couldn't because my cord is friend and it is terrible. -sneezeflail-

x_x

But, yeah. Once I get a new cord, I'm going to hole myself up in a coffeeshop with some tea (It's nearly winter. Coffee season is over.) and my laptop and I'm going to write ALL DAY. And it shall be wonderful. Maybe I'll actually get around to finishing the first movement of the Nessling's piece, so that there are actual colors to go with the story.

No. Bad lung. Stay inside the chest. No. Stay. Good lung.

And the inevitable angsting: I really wish I could help people more. I wish I could shake this feeling of complete uneasiness. I wish I could say for sure that everything will be alright. And I wish things were different.

-sneeze-

DAMN STUFFY NOSE. I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

-...snore...-

Mmn... too tired to post anything of substance. Going to sleep as soon as I get back upstairs.
I'd really like a functioning computer cable. I miss having my compositions to decompress in.

Too many thought processes trying to take precedent over each other. Not enough brainspace. Not enough patience. Not enough music to deal with it all.

Heading to sleep now. S'agapo. <3

...Well. ((MASSIVE THOUGHTDUMP ALERT.))

I'm such a sad, confused being. Can't possibly be human, because I'm sure that normal people don't have my problems. Pfft.

And with that intro, lets begin the thought-dump, shall we?

Firstly, we'll start with music. You all know that I love it (or you damn well should know by now, at least) and that I use it to define moments in my life. At the current moment, life can be summed up in the follwoing two songs:

Blue October's "Jump Rope", and
Vienna Teng's "Stray Italian Greyhound".

Unfamiliar? Let's run through these, briefly.

The gist of "Jump Rope" is this: Sometime life sucks. Sometimes it'll feel like you're on top of the world. Up, down. "Life's like a jump rope". Kinda where I've been the past few weeks, if you're just now joining us. It's an epically cheerful song, though, and the newest addition to my tiny 'Endless Repeat' playlist.

"Greyhound" is a bit more... specific. Annoyingly so.

I've essentially resigned myself to the fact that college is going to be a single endeavor for me. I've gotten used to really liking someone, and then realizing that I have my eyes on someone who isn't interested (either that, or they aren't into people like me, but we won't go there). Essentially, I've grown 'content' with the fact that I'll most likely be alone for the next few years. I'm kind of okay with it. It doesn't bug me as much as it should, sitting on the sidelines and watching as my friends find partners, and holding said friends - wiping their tears when things don't go as planned. It's just kinda my thing, I guess.

((Tangent update:  TOTALLY GOT MY DS EMULATOR WORKING. PLATINUM IS MINE, AGAIN!!!))

Aaaaaand then THIS happens. Someone comes out of the blue (except not really) and looks like he might actually have a genuine interest in me. And now I'm like, well SHIT! Don't get me wrong, it's actually kinda neat that someone thinks I'm worth that, but at the same time, I can't help but freak.

Lyrics to "Stray Italian Greyhound".

"Oh no not now... 
Please not now...
I've just settled into the glass half empty,

made myself at home.
And so why now? 

Oh, please not now...
I just stopped believing in happy endings, 

harbors of my own

But you had to come along, didn't you?
Break down the doors, throw open windows.
Oh, if you knew just what a fool you have made me...
So what do I do with this?

This stray Italian greyhound, these inconvenient fireworks,
This ice-cream covered, screaming hyperactive thought?
God, I just want to lay down, these colors make my eyes hurt;
This feeling calls for everything that I am not..."

Sooo.... Yeah. First verse + chorus. Sums it up pretty well, I think.

And I can't help but laugh at myself. For the past three semesters I've been 'bummed'-ish about being single, and now that someone may be interested, I don't know what to do with it. Urgh.

And then, of course, there's the major 'WHAT IF'. 

What if it works out? 

What if it goes farther than just a few dates? (Oh, damn. I actually used the 'd' word.)

What if it goes father than just a few months?

What if it... works?

I'll have to tell him about me eventually, if we work out. And if he's that serious about it, I really have little fear. But still.

Aaaaand, holy shit. I read into that a fuck ton more than I should've. Way to overreact like always, Katelynn. Pfft.

We'll see how this goes, though. I'm holding all judgement until after our lunch tomorrow. Then things go down.

SUBJECT CHANGE, WHOOOOSH!

The coffeeshop on campus spelled my name right today. I took a picture. It never happens.

Oh. YOU. Just wanted to drop by and say a few words.

-ahem-

Any shreds of respect I may've once had for you are gone. I'll be decent in your presence, but I won't go out of my way to accommodate you. Not any more. I hate to say it, but you aren't the friend I remember you being. You've changed, and frankly, I really don't like who you are now. And I definitely can't stand you and your newest victim as you mush all over each other like a pair of eels. Seriously. I'm tired of putting on the "Lolz, you two are adorable" mask, because I'm two clicks away from being completely fed up. I really don't want to do it, lady. I don't like being a bitch. But still.

....Aaaaaaand that concludes this episode of Thoughtdump. Tune in next time, kids.