-sniffle-

"If I asked you how many best-best-best friends you had, would you tell me?"

"I have two."

"...That was quick. Only two? You sure?"

"Mhm. Just two." -sips drink-

"...Oh." -pause- "Am... Am I one of them?"

"No, sweetheart... you aren't."
----------------------------------
Urrrrrrgh. I'm getting a cold. This sucks.

DO. NOT WANT.

Like, what the hell, immune system? You never break this easily. :(

Aaaaaand, I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. But, I've got my Civ Bibliography due, and I should prolly get that in. yus.

-sniff-

I miss my lappytop. Poor guy has been sitting on my desk for the past three days, just waiting for me to supply him with a steady supply of power once more. Damn cord... But what can you do, really? It's been four years. About time something broke on that thing.

I love my brick of a laptop so much. ^_^

I'd really love to be able to write/print out some band parts right about now, not gonna lie. Never really realized how therapeutic composing actually is until now... Gah.

I totally could've busted out a band short tonight. Everything. Every part, hands down. Easily. But I couldn't because my cord is friend and it is terrible. -sneezeflail-

x_x

But, yeah. Once I get a new cord, I'm going to hole myself up in a coffeeshop with some tea (It's nearly winter. Coffee season is over.) and my laptop and I'm going to write ALL DAY. And it shall be wonderful. Maybe I'll actually get around to finishing the first movement of the Nessling's piece, so that there are actual colors to go with the story.

No. Bad lung. Stay inside the chest. No. Stay. Good lung.

And the inevitable angsting: I really wish I could help people more. I wish I could shake this feeling of complete uneasiness. I wish I could say for sure that everything will be alright. And I wish things were different.

-sneeze-

DAMN STUFFY NOSE. I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

-flail-

Why are the best ones taken? Or untouchable? HMMMM?

All I'm asking for is a nice person who I'm nearly effortlessly compatible with. It would also help if he or she liked the female gender. And I'm pretty sure this is just an immature moment I'm having, but why should I care? Because right now I'm feeling immature and clingy and mildly moody and I'd really need some music and my grammar is going to hell and LOOK CODY I'M FILTERING, FWEEEEEEE~~~!!

...Aaaalright. Now that THAT's out of my system.

All but one of the guys I've really liked through the years (which means... four? Maybe?) have turned out gay. And I don't know how the hell I can be stuck with such lousy statistics. Does this mean I'm doooooooomed to be single for all eternity because the only people I've really truly honestly loved like crazy can't fully return the affection that I can't give them?

-flail- Ehhh!

Also. I plan to know you for more than eight years. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. :(

And My Views Are On The Table -religion(flame)warning-

Earth below us,
Drifting, falling;
Floating weightless,
Calling, calling home...

Yeah, dunno why I put that up there. It's what's playing on my Playlist at the moment, and the colors are helping me think. I think I'll put this one on repeat, aye. And basically this is just a buffer, so your tender eyes don't see the blasphemous blog entry I'm about to lay down. Go to bed, O thou who is easily offended. Leave this terifying article to someone who will contribute something other than "OMG WTF, YOU'RE GONNA GET STRUCK BY LITENING, LOL."

That is all.

The rest of you, please, come sit with me and attempt to listen to what I have to say, and thank you for suffering through that first little bit.

Anywho, I think it's high time I sit down at the computer and figure out exactly what the hell is going on with me--specifically in the area of friendships and religion. As usual, this won't be in any organized form, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be rambling. You've been warned.

Religion. Friendship. Why can't they mix? Why should anyone have to give up one to keep the other? I have very good friends from all walks of life, and I love them all. So why, if the viewpoints of one friend disagree with my own, should I have to choose sides? Situation is as follows:

Jane is really close friends with Jill. Jill is a super-religious Bible thumper with a tendency to be rather stubborn. Jane has several friends who are, for lack of a better word, gay. Jane is perfectly fine with that--she's got no problem at all with it, and is just as close to them as she is to any of her other friends. Jill, however, is a mite prejudiced against homosexuals, and is trying to convince Jane that GAY = BAD, and that being friends with said gay people will end up with Jane burning in Hell.

...Do you know what it's like, having a close friend telling you that you're going to burn in Hell? It's really something. Nearly akin to someone taking a very thin knife and inserting it into your chest, carefully, so you don't notice it going in--then TWISTING IT.

Herein lies my question. Why the fuck can't I love all of my friends equally? I really don't get it. And here is where I question things I shouldn't really question--like God. What God would pose this problem to the people He loves? What God would let someone form close relationships with people, then make them choose one or the other? And if homosexuality is such a crime, then why did God allow it? The last time I checked, loving someone wasn't illegal, or against the Bible. Does it matter whether the person you love has the same genitals that you have? Maybe it's only me, but I tend to look at personality and values--and not whether they have a pole or a hole. I'm not saying that I currently find any female attractive, but I think that's just because I haven't found anyone who's been more than a friend. Yet.

Subject reversion--And if God loves the world so much, why does He let His people murder each other, and rape and steal and lie and go to other countries and MURDER in His name? It doesn't seem right to me, that a God of Love and Righteousness and Justice would turn His eye on all the hurt that is caused because of people believing that they're doing what they do for Him.

Can you maybe see how I might be questioning Him just kind of a little bit?

I just don't understand it. I'd really love to understand it, because maybe then I could straighten my most tangly issues out, once and for all. But until then, I really think Jane is going to have to suffer onward and continue with these skirmishes with Jill.

Because, when it really comes down to it... given the choices, I think I'd rather burn than give up the friendships I've made. I don't care.

Come. What. Fucking. May.

Like watching a bubble...

...It rises into the air, so beautiful, so perfect. Then the wind picks up, and tosses it about. And you know that the bubble will burst eventually. You just don't know when.

...This is going to hurt us. I just don't know when she's going to find out.

See, I have a friend. I net her a few years back at a musical festival. She lived in the neighboring town, and we both played flute at the festival. Sat next to each other, chatted about life and stuff. Seemed like pretty good friends.

The following school year, she moves to my town, and we become even closer friends. She really depended on me to support her, and through a confession one night I stayed over at her house, she told me that if it wasn't for my friendship, she'd probably have committed suicide. (She has a self-esteem problem. Majorly.)

That's a fucking sobering fact, boys and girls.

Anywho, I get a call from her earlier today, and we're chatting about life and such. I don't even know how we got on the subject, but the conversation turns to homosexuality. And she goes on this FLAMING RANT about how she really dislikes (i.e., HATES) homosexuals. Naturally, I don't tell her that a few of my best friends are gay. Tactfully, I change the subject.

Aaaaand, then she goes to ask me how my relationship is going.

...HRM.

I can't lie to her. I told her we broke up, and that it wasn't a big deal, and that we're still awesome friends. But she wanted details, and I refused to give them to her. Because I know she'll freak the fuck out.

I feel like I'm betraying her. I know she's going to find out about this eventually, but I'm terrified to see where it goes from there. If she does anything after that... I'd never forgive myself. Ever.

Now, I know there aren't many people who read this, but if you do, I beg for your advice. On my knees, pleading. There are unshed tears in my eyes. I. Don't. Know. What. To. Do. I don't care if you're just browsing through the blog list--I need your help. I don't care if you don't know me, I don't care if I don't know you. I don't care if we're friends or otherwise. I'm stuck, and I've nowhere to go.

I'm sleeping on it, though. Praying a bit. Or a lot. Wait it out. What more can I do?

...It's like watching a bubble--one that will trigger the atom bomb.