-sniffle-

"If I asked you how many best-best-best friends you had, would you tell me?"

"I have two."

"...That was quick. Only two? You sure?"

"Mhm. Just two." -sips drink-

"...Oh." -pause- "Am... Am I one of them?"

"No, sweetheart... you aren't."
----------------------------------
Urrrrrrgh. I'm getting a cold. This sucks.

DO. NOT WANT.

Like, what the hell, immune system? You never break this easily. :(

Aaaaaand, I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. But, I've got my Civ Bibliography due, and I should prolly get that in. yus.

-sniff-

I miss my lappytop. Poor guy has been sitting on my desk for the past three days, just waiting for me to supply him with a steady supply of power once more. Damn cord... But what can you do, really? It's been four years. About time something broke on that thing.

I love my brick of a laptop so much. ^_^

I'd really love to be able to write/print out some band parts right about now, not gonna lie. Never really realized how therapeutic composing actually is until now... Gah.

I totally could've busted out a band short tonight. Everything. Every part, hands down. Easily. But I couldn't because my cord is friend and it is terrible. -sneezeflail-

x_x

But, yeah. Once I get a new cord, I'm going to hole myself up in a coffeeshop with some tea (It's nearly winter. Coffee season is over.) and my laptop and I'm going to write ALL DAY. And it shall be wonderful. Maybe I'll actually get around to finishing the first movement of the Nessling's piece, so that there are actual colors to go with the story.

No. Bad lung. Stay inside the chest. No. Stay. Good lung.

And the inevitable angsting: I really wish I could help people more. I wish I could shake this feeling of complete uneasiness. I wish I could say for sure that everything will be alright. And I wish things were different.

-sneeze-

DAMN STUFFY NOSE. I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

No One Ever Reads These Things, Anyway.

1) I love you more than most would think necessary. Oh, well. Suppose it's not really their problem, now is it? But, yeah. I worry about how much you mean to me, and I think far too much about it. I need to quit it, but I honestly don't think my mind can really give it up. Dang.

2) Had a dream the other night. Didn't like it. Everyone was going to this big party, and they were gettin' all fancied up and stuff, and they all had dates. Everyone. Except me, naturally. So I sat, alone, for about an hour in this dream. Just me. No music, even!! And I disliked it. I've never been so close to tears because of a friggin' DREAM before. Meh.

3) I'm listening to the four teaser tracks that Intervision has had on their site for about four months now. And my brain is like EXPLOSION!! YOU MUST GET THIS ALBUM, KATELYNNNNNN!! DO IT NOW! Like HOLEY PHUCK, that man is a musical genius. Not sure how he does it, but all his songs make my brain go through soundgasms. And I really need to get my hands on the CD. Click -->THIS<--and you will see what I mean. The man's voice is AMAZING, and I NEEEEEEED more of his orgasmic vocal drugs.

4) Thoughts of you, mixed with the amazing colors and songs of Intervision, creates a very enjoyable cocoon of content that I can sink into. It's like a being underwater sort of feeling - having the pressure of the water all around you - but you can actually breathe. It makes my heart smile.

5) I miss my cat.

6) 'm not entirely sure why I'm writing all this on the here and now, but whatever. Intervision is amazing. Have I ever told y'all this slight fact? Like, really. I DARE YOU to listen to their three albums and NOT find a song that you identify with. Lalala, so very random right now.

7) I've reached a point where I can safely say that prolonged exposure to certain types of music has an effect comparable to people on a range of different substances. Take now, for instance. INTERVISION has effectively plunged me into a mildly self-pitying, interpretive, introspective thoughtbox that is useless to anyone for the next hour or so. Yey, drugs that I can't get in trouble for abusing.

8) "Sailors be warned, it's a red sky mornin'; the makin's of a perilous day..."

9) I don't want to be alone for the rest of mine life, noes. I also don't want to attempt another relationship and have it not work out. First time sucked enough as it is. Don't want to go through it again. No, no. I'll pass on that lovely little experience. However, I also know that if I'm too scared to try again, there's an even smaller chance that I'll end up with someone. What a vicious, furious cycle.

10) It's really weird. But. Out of the people I've genuinely liked (I can count them on one hand), The only ones. Who have actually liked me back. Are untouchable. I don't know if anyone else realizes how much that messes with one's mind. It's like, "Oh, you like me? I like you, too! Unfortunately, I don't like your genitals, so we can't be together." The irony in this next statement made me laugh, but I must write it to maybe sufficiently pass across my mindset at the moment, and maybe for longer than just this moment. Fuck. Genitals. (Immature mind goes 'Hee~') Like, seriously. Am I the only one who doesn't care what kind of underwear they wear? It's a personality thing, that I'm attracted to. And I'm RIDICULOUSLY in love with your personality, darling. However, you had to bring to light the fact that you dun like my underwears.

...Shit. I've just now realized (after the music has stopped and my mind is somewhat cooling) that I'm ranting about gay men and underwear. Dayum, Katelynn. This is almost a new low for you. V_V

 Last bit of music-induced bullshit before I leave you alone: I don't build walls to keep people out. I build them because I'm terrified that no one will love me enough to climb over them. And I realize how much sense that didn't make. Fuck.

...I need more Intervision.

And My Views Are On The Table -religion(flame)warning-

Earth below us,
Drifting, falling;
Floating weightless,
Calling, calling home...

Yeah, dunno why I put that up there. It's what's playing on my Playlist at the moment, and the colors are helping me think. I think I'll put this one on repeat, aye. And basically this is just a buffer, so your tender eyes don't see the blasphemous blog entry I'm about to lay down. Go to bed, O thou who is easily offended. Leave this terifying article to someone who will contribute something other than "OMG WTF, YOU'RE GONNA GET STRUCK BY LITENING, LOL."

That is all.

The rest of you, please, come sit with me and attempt to listen to what I have to say, and thank you for suffering through that first little bit.

Anywho, I think it's high time I sit down at the computer and figure out exactly what the hell is going on with me--specifically in the area of friendships and religion. As usual, this won't be in any organized form, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be rambling. You've been warned.

Religion. Friendship. Why can't they mix? Why should anyone have to give up one to keep the other? I have very good friends from all walks of life, and I love them all. So why, if the viewpoints of one friend disagree with my own, should I have to choose sides? Situation is as follows:

Jane is really close friends with Jill. Jill is a super-religious Bible thumper with a tendency to be rather stubborn. Jane has several friends who are, for lack of a better word, gay. Jane is perfectly fine with that--she's got no problem at all with it, and is just as close to them as she is to any of her other friends. Jill, however, is a mite prejudiced against homosexuals, and is trying to convince Jane that GAY = BAD, and that being friends with said gay people will end up with Jane burning in Hell.

...Do you know what it's like, having a close friend telling you that you're going to burn in Hell? It's really something. Nearly akin to someone taking a very thin knife and inserting it into your chest, carefully, so you don't notice it going in--then TWISTING IT.

Herein lies my question. Why the fuck can't I love all of my friends equally? I really don't get it. And here is where I question things I shouldn't really question--like God. What God would pose this problem to the people He loves? What God would let someone form close relationships with people, then make them choose one or the other? And if homosexuality is such a crime, then why did God allow it? The last time I checked, loving someone wasn't illegal, or against the Bible. Does it matter whether the person you love has the same genitals that you have? Maybe it's only me, but I tend to look at personality and values--and not whether they have a pole or a hole. I'm not saying that I currently find any female attractive, but I think that's just because I haven't found anyone who's been more than a friend. Yet.

Subject reversion--And if God loves the world so much, why does He let His people murder each other, and rape and steal and lie and go to other countries and MURDER in His name? It doesn't seem right to me, that a God of Love and Righteousness and Justice would turn His eye on all the hurt that is caused because of people believing that they're doing what they do for Him.

Can you maybe see how I might be questioning Him just kind of a little bit?

I just don't understand it. I'd really love to understand it, because maybe then I could straighten my most tangly issues out, once and for all. But until then, I really think Jane is going to have to suffer onward and continue with these skirmishes with Jill.

Because, when it really comes down to it... given the choices, I think I'd rather burn than give up the friendships I've made. I don't care.

Come. What. Fucking. May.

Take Your Pick

Valentine's Day. Singles' Awareness Day. Choose whichever you'd like, and tote your cause.

But step lightly today, though, as some don't really give a flying fuck if you're single and so very lonely and OMG BOO-fucking-HOO.

On the flipside, don't rub it in peoples' faces that you and your beloved are going to brunch and then to the movies and then to your apartment for a nice candle-lit fuck dinner becuase you love each other so very very very much.

As for me, I'm going to sit here and laugh at the world as I push it all under my facade. Maybe I'll go out with the girls today. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Because I'm not bitter. Because life isn't bittersweet. Because it won't take me another nineteen years for me to find anyone HALF as amazing as he is. -chocolate nom-