Hmm.

Aaaaaaand tonight is one of those nights where I really wish I had someone to snuggle up with and just... be. Not even necessarily in a romantic way, just... there with someone.

Iiii'm going through another icky lonely phase, whee. It shall pass. They always do.

But, yeah. Tonight feels like a night to dwell on relationships and fun things like that. :/ Not good for me, but whatever.

So much affection to give. No one to receive.

Emotional Vomit, Yay!

I'm glad it's Friday. Kinda. Okay, not really. I'm not really feeling strongly for the end of the week, but I'm not jumping because it's over. I'm in an apathetic, lost, searching, not-quite-but-almost self pitying sort of mood.

...Yeah. I'm in a mood again.

And I've actually reached a point where I can't find it in myself to talk to anyone about this. If I try, I feel like people think I'm a) a broken record, b) a whining selfish bitch, and c) looking for attention. But I'm not... I think. I mean, I feel like I'm all of the above, but I assure you that anyone I ask will say the opposite.

Eff. One moment. I need music.

Alrighty. Let's see what I can emotionally vomit onto this blog before I'm too musically saturated to think clearly.
Mmmm, Intervision. So soothing and sweet. Salve.

Prepare for unorganized thought barf.

I can't take people's compliments to heart. Like... They say they love me, and I want to believe them. They compliment me on random things, and I just can't feel like I deserve their praise. In a group of friends, where we're all laughing and having a grand old time, I can't help but feel separated from them. Lonely. Detached.

What's wrong with me?

I don't think anyone realizes how much I love people. I don't mean that to sound condescending or upstuck, I just feel that people don't feel as deeply about others as I do. I make friendships, and I trust people, and that feeling goes deeper than anyone realizes. I hold my friends closer to me than anything, save for family. Every hug I give isn't given lightly. None of my affection is given lightly, actually. I just... GAH.

People. I love them. I'm annoyed by them. I don't understand them.

I see relationships come and go. Quickly. Swiftly. The not-so-quick ones come, and they bloom beautifully, then they die. A flourishing blossom can look so gorgeous and promising one moment, and be charred and dead during the next. I don't know how people can claim to love others one day, then leave with the door swinging behind them the day after. I just. Don't. Understand.

I think that's my problem. I don't get it. And I'm unsure how to deal with it myself.

Subject change to pointless crap WHOOOOSH.

I love hugs. Hugs are fucking amazing. Cuddling is just as nice, but better. Cuddling is like one huge extended hug. I enjoy hugging people. Like, the people I hug are some of the greatest people in the world. I love cuddling as well. Back when I had someone to cuddle. (insert self-pitying shit) Still love it, though. I'd love to have someone to cuddle with. I'm a hella affectionate person. Really. I'm just afraid that a) I'll end up seeming too clingy b) I'll seem needy and c) people will get annoyed. Either that, or I'll get attached to someone and then things will go poof. Learning experiences, children. They're magical.

I think I'm too humble for my own good. I won't lie; my self esteem is shit at the best of times. I'm unsure as to why. It has no reason to be that way. I don't know. D:

GAH.

Also: this is one of the few nights where I really wish I could cry. I can feel the excess emotion wanting to burst out, and I'm sure I'd feel better after it, but I can't. Fuck it. One tear, maybe two. Then my mind tries to take over with shit like "Quit crying. You're being silly and stupid and juvenile.".

That is all. I'm done for tonight. Time to shower, eat, and go to the Jazz concert. Let the music distract me for another night.

Love you guys. More than you'll ever realize. G'night.

EDIT: Back from the concert, can't sleep. Put up another vague status on Facebook, received the expected result.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm casting out cries for help, but when people come running, I'm too afraid to open up.

I'm like some perverse child who cries 'Wolf!'.

...I need to sleep, before I say/do/post something that I regret. Come back here, Intervision.

Loneliness Rant Just a Bit

It's been a good past few days. Today was particularly epic. It rained. And it didn't just rain--it THUNDERED. And the wind blew, and the sky lit up in a blinding white flash, and it was GLORIOUS.

At times like these, I really wish I could fly.

...Random digression. Yikes.

Anywho, I really should've know that shit was gonna go down. Things were too awesome to last for long. Should've knowwwwwnnnn. GAH.

Too much to think about. Too much to feel. Too much that I want so badly to happen, and too much that never will.

...Life is funny like that sometimes. Makes me laugh and cry and sing and want to fall apart all at once.

Hooray for musical duct tape. Makes things not fall apart as easily.

...And this may sound disgustingly immature of me, but I have times when I just really want boy snuggles. With a boy that I actually really like. I think I'm too picky when it comes to boys, though. Snuggles would be lovely. Pure, innocent snuggles. My head on his shoulder, his arms around me. Silent. Maybe watching stars, or watching a movie, or just sitting there watching the darkness and listening to music. And just snuggling. And nothing more. Is that a bad thing? Too much to ask?

Buuuuut, until then, I shall snuggle with my invisible lover and blush when he doesn't kiss me sweetly on the cheek.

-descends into lonely spiral of good music-

I don't get it...

What's the attraction? Could someone explain this to me, please? Everywhere I go, girls are swooning over total a**holes. Why is the 'bad boy' personality so appealing? Ladies, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who's going to get himself landed in jail on multiple accounts? And don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all bad boys into that s-type. But, still. What's so great about it?

And why are guys always so... Idunno... Stupid? And not in the sense of intelligence, but from what I've seen, a lot of guys seem to think that they have to be 'THE man'. Which seems dumb to me. All macho and muscly and super-strong and super awesome with a super big EGO just isn't okay. Idunno. This is just me talking. Some girls go for that, I guess.

And why is there a set image for 'THE man'? Has anyone else noticed this? That to be the super-manly-man, you have to be as tough as nails, not show any emotion that could get you labeled as 'weak' or 'sissy'. Oh. Wait. If you're pissed at the world, then you can show it. Then you can rip your neighbor a new feces evacuation tunnel, and people will accept that. Because you're being a manly man. Ooh.

Well, f**k that. I'm not into it.

Maybe it's just me, but if a guy isn't going to show emotion, then I might as well be hugging a tree. I'll date my cat. At least he shows emotion when he's happy to see me.

Maybe I'm too picky...? Is that why I'm still single? My horizons aren't broad enough? I'm not looking at the 'big picture'?

MAYBE I AM.

If I'm going to get in a relationship, I'm not the one to touch and go. Again, maybe I'm just weird like that. Too emotionally attached to people, perhaps? Meh, whatever my problem is, I seem to be alone in my views. :P

Back to the whole 'no emotion' thing: What's wrong with showing emotion, guys? Someone really needs to explain this to me. >_< Personally, I'd love a guy who'd show emotion. Not all over the place, but if we go to a movie of something, we'd both laugh at the funny parts and maybe both cry at the sad parts--YES, I CRY AT SAD PARTS, DAMMIT!

...What's wrong with wanting that? Manly men are too busy lifting weights or doing other crap to enhance their manliness... But what's wrong with the guy who just wants to sit and talk and hold you while you hold him? Is there anything wrong with that!?!

-mopes in lonely single's corner-