(drug-fuled blather)

Slept through a kickass storm last night, apparently. Kinda bummed about it, but I'm pretty sure that I would be dead today had i not slept. Like... Sleep last night was good, because the thermometer topped out at 103. I'm back down to 98.9, which is bueno. Hooray for normality. (And no. that wasn't a typo. 98.9 is pretty norms for me.)

...I had a shit ton of stuff I wanted to write tonight. But now that I'm actually sitting down and thinking about it, I can't remember anything. Typical.

Mm... I'd like a functioning computer cord. Plz and thankyoo.

People are... confusing. Very. Iiiiii wish I understood them better. Thought processes and whatnot.

"I am the modern man/who hides behind a mask/so no one else can see/my true identity."
I enjoy this song as of now. Or at least, I enjoy these few lines.

Uhm.... what else?

Oh. Last night's misery slump. Wasn't fun. Felt really fuckin' undesirable, and didn't know how to fix it. i was in that "What is wrong with me? am I just not pretty enough? Funny enough? Smart enough?" mindset. No bueno.

DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO!!

Shrimp is delicious. haven't had shrimp in a loooong time. Shrimp makes the kitty in me hapy. Very, very happy.

And, I'm thinking that it's time to go away. I need to lock the meds up so I don't take any more before bed. Because I have to wake upppp tomorrow. And go to CTC. Whee.

I hate being sick. And I hate medicine. i never take medicine when I'm sick. Except when roomie makes me go to the Student Death Center and they force meds upon me. let me get better on my owwwwwn! Do you see what your poison does to me!?

...Yeah. I'm done for now. If I had a computer cord, this wouldn't be happening, because I'd have my notation software and my emulator AND Lady Death's story all at my fingertips. buttt, no. Not for a while. Or at least until Saturday. Yayyyyy, payday!

((Also: Dear irrational crush; please leave me alone. I know nothing will happen between me and the person that I'm crushing on irrationally, so leave her and i alone, and let me be able to interact with her in a normal way. Thanks. ~Tath))

Speaking of Tath, she hasn't come out in a loooong time. Damn college. I might go for a walk one of these weekends. Maybe go to the park with a notebook or somethin' and let the Tathness shine for a while. Yeah.

I also can't help but notice that even though I said I was leaving a while ago, I'm still typing away! FREAKING MEDS. This is why I don't put anything into my body, children. Music and Cranberry-Pomegranate juice is as far as it goes! No drugs! No alcohol!

...I wonder what kind of drunk I would be if I drank. Hm.

NO. No more tangents. Sleepytime for psychotic Katelynn-thing. Yes. Sleep is good. Goin' to sleep now. Mhm. Here I go. Grarghlgshnarghle.

-sniffle-

"If I asked you how many best-best-best friends you had, would you tell me?"

"I have two."

"...That was quick. Only two? You sure?"

"Mhm. Just two." -sips drink-

"...Oh." -pause- "Am... Am I one of them?"

"No, sweetheart... you aren't."
----------------------------------
Urrrrrrgh. I'm getting a cold. This sucks.

DO. NOT WANT.

Like, what the hell, immune system? You never break this easily. :(

Aaaaaand, I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. But, I've got my Civ Bibliography due, and I should prolly get that in. yus.

-sniff-

I miss my lappytop. Poor guy has been sitting on my desk for the past three days, just waiting for me to supply him with a steady supply of power once more. Damn cord... But what can you do, really? It's been four years. About time something broke on that thing.

I love my brick of a laptop so much. ^_^

I'd really love to be able to write/print out some band parts right about now, not gonna lie. Never really realized how therapeutic composing actually is until now... Gah.

I totally could've busted out a band short tonight. Everything. Every part, hands down. Easily. But I couldn't because my cord is friend and it is terrible. -sneezeflail-

x_x

But, yeah. Once I get a new cord, I'm going to hole myself up in a coffeeshop with some tea (It's nearly winter. Coffee season is over.) and my laptop and I'm going to write ALL DAY. And it shall be wonderful. Maybe I'll actually get around to finishing the first movement of the Nessling's piece, so that there are actual colors to go with the story.

No. Bad lung. Stay inside the chest. No. Stay. Good lung.

And the inevitable angsting: I really wish I could help people more. I wish I could shake this feeling of complete uneasiness. I wish I could say for sure that everything will be alright. And I wish things were different.

-sneeze-

DAMN STUFFY NOSE. I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

Emotional Vomit, Yay!

I'm glad it's Friday. Kinda. Okay, not really. I'm not really feeling strongly for the end of the week, but I'm not jumping because it's over. I'm in an apathetic, lost, searching, not-quite-but-almost self pitying sort of mood.

...Yeah. I'm in a mood again.

And I've actually reached a point where I can't find it in myself to talk to anyone about this. If I try, I feel like people think I'm a) a broken record, b) a whining selfish bitch, and c) looking for attention. But I'm not... I think. I mean, I feel like I'm all of the above, but I assure you that anyone I ask will say the opposite.

Eff. One moment. I need music.

Alrighty. Let's see what I can emotionally vomit onto this blog before I'm too musically saturated to think clearly.
Mmmm, Intervision. So soothing and sweet. Salve.

Prepare for unorganized thought barf.

I can't take people's compliments to heart. Like... They say they love me, and I want to believe them. They compliment me on random things, and I just can't feel like I deserve their praise. In a group of friends, where we're all laughing and having a grand old time, I can't help but feel separated from them. Lonely. Detached.

What's wrong with me?

I don't think anyone realizes how much I love people. I don't mean that to sound condescending or upstuck, I just feel that people don't feel as deeply about others as I do. I make friendships, and I trust people, and that feeling goes deeper than anyone realizes. I hold my friends closer to me than anything, save for family. Every hug I give isn't given lightly. None of my affection is given lightly, actually. I just... GAH.

People. I love them. I'm annoyed by them. I don't understand them.

I see relationships come and go. Quickly. Swiftly. The not-so-quick ones come, and they bloom beautifully, then they die. A flourishing blossom can look so gorgeous and promising one moment, and be charred and dead during the next. I don't know how people can claim to love others one day, then leave with the door swinging behind them the day after. I just. Don't. Understand.

I think that's my problem. I don't get it. And I'm unsure how to deal with it myself.

Subject change to pointless crap WHOOOOSH.

I love hugs. Hugs are fucking amazing. Cuddling is just as nice, but better. Cuddling is like one huge extended hug. I enjoy hugging people. Like, the people I hug are some of the greatest people in the world. I love cuddling as well. Back when I had someone to cuddle. (insert self-pitying shit) Still love it, though. I'd love to have someone to cuddle with. I'm a hella affectionate person. Really. I'm just afraid that a) I'll end up seeming too clingy b) I'll seem needy and c) people will get annoyed. Either that, or I'll get attached to someone and then things will go poof. Learning experiences, children. They're magical.

I think I'm too humble for my own good. I won't lie; my self esteem is shit at the best of times. I'm unsure as to why. It has no reason to be that way. I don't know. D:

GAH.

Also: this is one of the few nights where I really wish I could cry. I can feel the excess emotion wanting to burst out, and I'm sure I'd feel better after it, but I can't. Fuck it. One tear, maybe two. Then my mind tries to take over with shit like "Quit crying. You're being silly and stupid and juvenile.".

That is all. I'm done for tonight. Time to shower, eat, and go to the Jazz concert. Let the music distract me for another night.

Love you guys. More than you'll ever realize. G'night.

EDIT: Back from the concert, can't sleep. Put up another vague status on Facebook, received the expected result.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm casting out cries for help, but when people come running, I'm too afraid to open up.

I'm like some perverse child who cries 'Wolf!'.

...I need to sleep, before I say/do/post something that I regret. Come back here, Intervision.