-flail-

Why are the best ones taken? Or untouchable? HMMMM?

All I'm asking for is a nice person who I'm nearly effortlessly compatible with. It would also help if he or she liked the female gender. And I'm pretty sure this is just an immature moment I'm having, but why should I care? Because right now I'm feeling immature and clingy and mildly moody and I'd really need some music and my grammar is going to hell and LOOK CODY I'M FILTERING, FWEEEEEEE~~~!!

...Aaaalright. Now that THAT's out of my system.

All but one of the guys I've really liked through the years (which means... four? Maybe?) have turned out gay. And I don't know how the hell I can be stuck with such lousy statistics. Does this mean I'm doooooooomed to be single for all eternity because the only people I've really truly honestly loved like crazy can't fully return the affection that I can't give them?

-flail- Ehhh!

Also. I plan to know you for more than eight years. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. :(

Fret, fret, fret, fret.

Fretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfret,
fretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfret,
fretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfret,
fretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfret,
fretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfretfret.

Talking at people is grand. I honestly don't know how they can deal with my shit. Honestly. But when they suffer through my blabbling and making no sense, I love them so much. Honestly.

And I'm totally still freaking about this, and eventually my roommate's gonna slap me and be all "CALM DOWN, BISNATCH!" And I'm gonna be like "...okay."

But, yeah. My friends are made of  epic kickassery. And if any of said friends who know what I'm talking about (though, if you're reading this, you KNOW what I'm talking about) see me in real life, hugs are always welcome. Because I'm gonna be freakin' about this for a loooooong time.

Oh, and by the way. I love you guys. <3

-resumes fretting-

Phuck. Phuckphuckphuckshitphuck.

TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY WHAT IS THIS SHIT!?!


Alrighty, so G'ma was sleeping, and I was surfing the webs. Got bored of that. Started going over my life with a fine-toothed comb. My likes, my dislikes. My fears. My goals. The things I wanted people to know about me. The things I hoped no one would find out about me. The things I would rather people not know about me.


When I got to that last category, I stopped cold. Thought about it some more. And realized.


Panicking commenced. 


Not sure what I'm worried about, other than public scorn. Talked to the roomie, and got her never-ending support. Talked to the once who lives too damn far away. I really shouldn't be freaking so much about this. But I'm insecure enough already, and I don't want to think of how people will see me differently if they ever find out.


OhfuckI'msodamnscared....

Oh. Gee. Thanks For That.

So I used to be okay with it.

And I used to look forward to it.

But after all what happened, I'm terrified now.

G'ma mentioned Bible Study. And I used to be really excited for it. But now... I'm not sure exactly why, but it almost feels like I'm... afraid, somehow. And I don't like it.

So, thanks for that, dearest. Thanks a bunch.


...How does one rebuild a faith...?

Sad, But So Very, Very True

So I have a failproof way of determining whether a guy is gay. It's stupid, but it makes me laugh in a hilariously sad sort of way.
So.

Step one--Good sense of humor? (Like, is he comfortable with the jokes I tend to break ice with, and will he tease me about it as well?) If yes, go on. If not... meh. Go easy on the jokes, girl.

Step two--Is he cute? If yes, go on. If no, don't even worry about it, Katelynn. Make friends, go on with life.

Step three--Could you maybe see yourself in a relationship maybe kinda even just a bit? If yes... Well, Katelynn. Sorry to say it, but he's prolly gay.

Not that it's a bad thing, but seeing your track record with guys that attract you and how things have ended up... Just don't jump too far before you look and see what color the water is. But, hey!! You've got an awesome friend now, and even more reason to ignore your super religious friend (who texted you today saying that she was sorry, but she's praying for you and for your gay friend).

I'm laughing. At your super religious friend right now. Because she JUST DOESN'T GET IT and you're trying to figure out HOW SHE'LL GET IT THROUGH HER SKULL that you DON'T WANT HELP and you DON'T NEED HELP and how all her "HELPING" is actually making things WORSE.

...Hm. This is an odd post. This was an odd thought. And it evolved into stuff that you really need to let go of, Katelynn. Go drink some water. Solve that Rubik's Cube two or three more times. Try an go to beds, yus? Yus.

G'night, people.

Pointless Heart-on-Sleeveness Shit

Please. Can we be done? I want to be done. I don't have the energy to do this anymore. You've worn me thin, and I know the next time we talk I'm going to snap. I'm tired. I'm torn. I don't have the energy to cry, even. If I did, I would.

I don't get angry at people. It's not who I am. I get annoyed, and I fume, and I write poetry and terrible music. I. Don't. Get. Angry. And I don't get overly emotional. Any strong feelings I get are transferred into my music and my writing. I rarely get so emotional that I cry. It just doesn't happen.

You, however, have ultimately forced me to anger. I've tried my best to ignore it, but you just keep trying to force feed me the same shit over and over and over and you just DON'T GET IT. You try and convince me of things, but you fail to understand that shoving things down my throat is only pushing me farther away.

...For those of you not in the know (although if you're reading this, you probably know by now), life has fucked with me lately. I've been thinking things. Questioning things that I don't feel comfortable questioning. And I've decided that until I can figure out where my place in life is, I'm stepping back from things. As my friends, I hope that you can understand that I have the right to make my own decisions in life. I want to be my own person, and not someone who lives their life regurgitating ideas that other people have fed me through the years. And I'm trusting you guys to respect that, and not tear me apart for it. So, that said, let's lay some stuff out on the table. This isn't Katelynn in a nutshell. This is Katelynn--her mind, her emotions, her inner workings. Everything.

SO, THEN:

I'm shy. Insecure. Emotional. I keep the bad stuff inside and wear masks from day to day, and it gets me through the wild rollercoaster called life. But there's only so much you can sweep under a rug. There's only so much you can shake a pop bottle before it explodes. You can only stretch a rubber band so far before it snaps and you end up with a nasty welt on your hand. I'm not saying that I'm an emotional train wreck in the making (though it certainly feels like it at the moment), and I'm not saying that you should interact with me differently. Again, this is just me telling y'all who I am. This should change nothing. Savvy? So I think what I'm trying to say is that Katelynn's a bit more complex than you think she is.

I won't be labeled by any one religion. This doesn't mean that I'm rejecting everything. I just don't agree with how religion separates people, divides them, makes them hate. I agree with some ideals, and disagree with others. If you have a problem with that, deal with it. This is who I am, and it's high time people realize this. I don't enjoy it when people try to force-feed me ideas, and I like it even less when I try to remedy things and the other party refuses to remove their heads from their sphincters and actually maybe TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING AND OPEN THEIR MINDS TO THE IDEA THAT I'M NOT OKAY WITH YOU SHOVING YOUR CONVICTIONS IN MY FACE.

Oh, let's delve away from the angry ranting for a bit, shall we? Let's see what else we can bring to the light... Ah. Back to the insecure part up thar. That comes into play right about now. I'm scared to death of things. Making an idiot of myself in public, being a disappointment to people. Being an inconvenience, or a liability. I'm afraid that I'll let people down. I'm afraid that if I let people see who I am under the shell of sarcasm and shining personality, they'll judge me. And I'm scared to death that once people read this, they'll see me differently. Which, perhaps, is what's going to happen. And you think "Why did you post this if you don't want people to view you differently?" My answer is simple. I don't want them to view me differently. But I want them to know. I don't want them to judge, but I want them to know.

With the insecurity comes a rather... diminished self image. Rather. It's gotten better since high school (We won't go there. Yikes.), but still. Dresses make me feel silly-ish. When people say how pretty I look in that black dress I own, I can't believe them. Just can't. Call me insecure. End of that story.

Ooh, let's touch this button, seeing as we need another reason to piss people off--I don't have anything against non-heterosexual people. That's right, folks. Homosexuality is fine by me. I've no problem with it, and I suppose I should go so far as to say that I support it. A good number of my closest friends are gay/bisexual, and I love them just the same as I would any other friend. At times, they're easier to talk to than most of my straight friends. And I. Love. Them. And do you know what else? THERE ISN'T A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT ME LOVING THEM. So get off your soapbox and leave me and my emotions the fuck alone.

Hm. This is sounding like it's pointed towards one person. Maybe I shouldn't do that. You'll start thinking that this is pointed towards one person.

Oh. WAIT. >:(

Again, I'm not like this. Ever. But the bottle has been shaken too much. You, darling, are the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. You broke it. Snapped it. Crumpled it up and tossed it away, occasionally poking it with your righteous stick and seeing if it will come around anytime soon.

-fumes-

And now I'm realizing that it's really late, and that I'm probably going to regret posting this in the morning. But at the moment I don't give a shit, because I feel the selfish need to get really angry for once in my life, and my talking buddy isn't online. So here I rant and make NO SENSE AT ALL. I'm just an insecure bundle of nerves and unstable emotion that wears a perpetually happy mask. Yet you guys seem to love me anyway. I wonder why, sometimes. And I'm pretty sure I didn't write everything here that I wanted to (because we all know how eloquent Katelynn is when mental turmoil wields its mighty hammer), but it's fucking midnight, people. And I'm going to bed soon. Because I want to be done.

...Can we be done?

Realization and Recuperation

So I think it finally hit me tonight. I was totally joking around with friends when it happened, but it happened. The realization that I no longer have a whole heart has finally caught up with me. I've realized that I won't be able to get into a relationship without questioning myself (because as stupid and asinine as it is, some part of me thinks that I turned him). I won't say that the experience didn't kinda sorta maybe screw me over. But I can't be mad at him, because he's one of those people that I just honestly can't be mad at. It's impossible. So without someone to blame, I blame myself. For not being good enough, maybe. Pretty enough? Funny enough?

...Damn it all. I hate it when I get into these self-destructive mindsets.

But trying to get into another relationship is going to prove... interesting. Hooray that I've finally realized all this shit so I can maybe go outside and take a walk at Midnight-thirty in the morning and cry it out, but seriously... I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that I'll get attached to someone again, and then we'll end, and I'll be further shoved into my corner of insecurity. I'm afraid that I'll get shoved so far into my corner of insecurity that I won't be able to trust anyone with my heart again. I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone.

...I'm afraid I won't be able to love.

So now I turn off my computer and crawl up into my bed and curl up under my blanket and try not to cry as, across the room, my roommate obliviously surfs the internet. The realization is good, I suppose. But the recuperation is going to be... rough.

Closure Week. It looms.

Un: Talk to her. Get this shit figured out. No more ignoring each other. We're going to talk, and we're going to understand each other. And it's going to end well.

Deux: Talk to Mom. Get this shit figured out. No more ignoring the fact that she brushes me off whenever I try and act civil. We're going to talk, and we're going to understand each other. And it's going to end well.

Trois: Talk to... him. :-/ Get some of this stuff figured out. No more hiding behind a smile as I wonder what really happened. I just reallyreallyreallyreally hope that this doesn't cause anymore awkwardness... Hopefully I can keep my tongue from running away from me, and actually tell him what's going on in my head... something you all know I'm so wonderful at doing. But we're going to talk... if I can find the nerve/time to ask him to coffee (which shouldn't be as scary as I'm making it, considering that he's usually cool with this stuff), and hopefully we can understand each other. Or I can understand him. Hm. But it's going to end well, I know it. Mhm, yus. -frets-

NEXT WEEK. IS CLOSURE WEEK. DO NOT LET ME CHICKEN OUT.

~Purely Dedicated to One Amazing Song~

...Night. And the Spirit of life.
...Calling... Mamela...

...And a voice,
...With the fear of a child
Answers... Mamela.

Ubukhosi bo khokho [Throne of the ancestors]
We ndodana ye sizwe sonke [Oh, son of the nation)]

Wait!!--There's no mountain too great.
Hear the words and have faith
...Have faith...

Hela, hey mamela...

He lives in you, He lives in me
He watches over everything we see
Into the water, into the truth
In your reflection; He lives in you...
------------------------------------------------


Yeah, I've totally got another one of those songs. You know the ones that you absolutely LOVE, and you can't stop listening to them, and you go for a day or THREE just listening to this song and singing it and humming it and posting lines from it on Facebook because it's JUST THAT AWESOME--and then you find another song that tears your attention away from it. :D


I think this is the third song within the week that I've had on repeat. Mhm, and it is a gooooood song. Plus, it's Swahili/Zulu, so I can sing to myself and no one will know what I'm saying. Hooray for more reasons to look at the black kid in a funny manner!!! 


((And OMG my drams are wigging me out. More on that at a later date. Mhm, yus.))


...Ingonyama nengw' enamabala...


(A Lion and a Leopard come to this open place., in case you don't understand Swahili. :P)

Loneliness Rant Just a Bit

It's been a good past few days. Today was particularly epic. It rained. And it didn't just rain--it THUNDERED. And the wind blew, and the sky lit up in a blinding white flash, and it was GLORIOUS.

At times like these, I really wish I could fly.

...Random digression. Yikes.

Anywho, I really should've know that shit was gonna go down. Things were too awesome to last for long. Should've knowwwwwnnnn. GAH.

Too much to think about. Too much to feel. Too much that I want so badly to happen, and too much that never will.

...Life is funny like that sometimes. Makes me laugh and cry and sing and want to fall apart all at once.

Hooray for musical duct tape. Makes things not fall apart as easily.

...And this may sound disgustingly immature of me, but I have times when I just really want boy snuggles. With a boy that I actually really like. I think I'm too picky when it comes to boys, though. Snuggles would be lovely. Pure, innocent snuggles. My head on his shoulder, his arms around me. Silent. Maybe watching stars, or watching a movie, or just sitting there watching the darkness and listening to music. And just snuggling. And nothing more. Is that a bad thing? Too much to ask?

Buuuuut, until then, I shall snuggle with my invisible lover and blush when he doesn't kiss me sweetly on the cheek.

-descends into lonely spiral of good music-