No, no, no, no!!

This is just the way things are. I can't start thinking about this again. Because if I do, I'm going to go insane--like I did last semester. And where did that get me? Not very far. If I keep thinking about this, and wondering what might've happened, and what I could've said, I'm going to end up saying things that may potentially endanger a very good friendship.

...Why does this bother me so much? Is this mental drama part of everyone's life? I need to write this down so it will GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

...Okay, so. The reason behind this: I just got back from watching a mind-numbingly BRILLIANT play, entitled "Strange Attractors". Two people meet in a ridiculously improbable manner, end up falling in love, beautifully cliche. But it was the overall meaning of it--and some of the dialogue--that really screwed me over. See, the man was obsessed with chaos theory, and one of their conversations was basically, "Don't you think that somewhere, something places things--and people? Like, putting them into a situation and seeing how it plays out?"

...I have a tendency to read into things. A LOT. But I couldn't help but think.

It went on, and I couldn't help but think... What if I had done something different? What if we had had more time to talk that night? What if I had said more? He said he didn't do it just to humor me, and I nodded at that, but... I really didn't understand it. I wish I had had the nerve to ask him more. The nerve, and the time.

GAH. I want to talk to him. But I don't want our friendship to be affected. Because he's made up his mind, and I think that if I talk to him more, I'll just make things awkward... And I really won't be able to tell him everything, because I won't be able to get the real meaning across.

...Sometimes, being me can be a real pain in the ass.