I'm Such a Cheerful Little Shit

It is raaiiiiiiiiining. I'm exciiiiiiited.

Walked halfway home with teh Levi, then danced across the crosswalk. And danced home.

In the RAIN.

I love rain so much. :D

I'm the opposite of everyone else, I've decided. Like, when it's all sunny and shiny and whee, most people are happy and sunny and smiley and whee. I'm kinda moody. Glum. Brooding. (Though that's normally not caused by the weather ;P) But when it rains, I get all happy and hyper and WHEEEEE~~~!! And not glum and gloomy like everyone else.

Hee~!

ALSO:

I love my cheerful sarcasm and straightfacedness. Because I use it on people and they CAN'T TELL AND IT MAKES ME GLEE.

I get wayyyy too excited about this. I really do. I'm such a little shit. But there are some hella annoying people in this world who just can't take a hint. So I subject them to my cheerful sarcasm. Because they haven't got a clue. HEEHEEHEEEEEE.

...So, yeah. Today has been decent. ^_^ People are awesome and they make me laugh. And I'm a good person who sits with awesome freshman during convocation. 

...Also: Too many adorable people. They should stop being so adorable and make it easier on me. 

Emotional Vomit, Yay!

I'm glad it's Friday. Kinda. Okay, not really. I'm not really feeling strongly for the end of the week, but I'm not jumping because it's over. I'm in an apathetic, lost, searching, not-quite-but-almost self pitying sort of mood.

...Yeah. I'm in a mood again.

And I've actually reached a point where I can't find it in myself to talk to anyone about this. If I try, I feel like people think I'm a) a broken record, b) a whining selfish bitch, and c) looking for attention. But I'm not... I think. I mean, I feel like I'm all of the above, but I assure you that anyone I ask will say the opposite.

Eff. One moment. I need music.

Alrighty. Let's see what I can emotionally vomit onto this blog before I'm too musically saturated to think clearly.
Mmmm, Intervision. So soothing and sweet. Salve.

Prepare for unorganized thought barf.

I can't take people's compliments to heart. Like... They say they love me, and I want to believe them. They compliment me on random things, and I just can't feel like I deserve their praise. In a group of friends, where we're all laughing and having a grand old time, I can't help but feel separated from them. Lonely. Detached.

What's wrong with me?

I don't think anyone realizes how much I love people. I don't mean that to sound condescending or upstuck, I just feel that people don't feel as deeply about others as I do. I make friendships, and I trust people, and that feeling goes deeper than anyone realizes. I hold my friends closer to me than anything, save for family. Every hug I give isn't given lightly. None of my affection is given lightly, actually. I just... GAH.

People. I love them. I'm annoyed by them. I don't understand them.

I see relationships come and go. Quickly. Swiftly. The not-so-quick ones come, and they bloom beautifully, then they die. A flourishing blossom can look so gorgeous and promising one moment, and be charred and dead during the next. I don't know how people can claim to love others one day, then leave with the door swinging behind them the day after. I just. Don't. Understand.

I think that's my problem. I don't get it. And I'm unsure how to deal with it myself.

Subject change to pointless crap WHOOOOSH.

I love hugs. Hugs are fucking amazing. Cuddling is just as nice, but better. Cuddling is like one huge extended hug. I enjoy hugging people. Like, the people I hug are some of the greatest people in the world. I love cuddling as well. Back when I had someone to cuddle. (insert self-pitying shit) Still love it, though. I'd love to have someone to cuddle with. I'm a hella affectionate person. Really. I'm just afraid that a) I'll end up seeming too clingy b) I'll seem needy and c) people will get annoyed. Either that, or I'll get attached to someone and then things will go poof. Learning experiences, children. They're magical.

I think I'm too humble for my own good. I won't lie; my self esteem is shit at the best of times. I'm unsure as to why. It has no reason to be that way. I don't know. D:

GAH.

Also: this is one of the few nights where I really wish I could cry. I can feel the excess emotion wanting to burst out, and I'm sure I'd feel better after it, but I can't. Fuck it. One tear, maybe two. Then my mind tries to take over with shit like "Quit crying. You're being silly and stupid and juvenile.".

That is all. I'm done for tonight. Time to shower, eat, and go to the Jazz concert. Let the music distract me for another night.

Love you guys. More than you'll ever realize. G'night.

EDIT: Back from the concert, can't sleep. Put up another vague status on Facebook, received the expected result.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm casting out cries for help, but when people come running, I'm too afraid to open up.

I'm like some perverse child who cries 'Wolf!'.

...I need to sleep, before I say/do/post something that I regret. Come back here, Intervision.

This is What Happens--

--when it's four thirty in the morning and I'm pondering over things I shouldn't be pondering over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Lover mine,
Write another chapter of my life.
We'll set it on the shelf and walk away...
-What we were
Will never be forgotten, you've
Put it in the past, and found a better song to sing
At least for now...

-Friend of mine,
It all but kills me just to
See your eyes and smile turn to grey.

-Stay here, at least for tonight,
Let me write a lullaby and
Let the colors dry your tears away...
My arms will hold you close tonight,
I'll sing to you; Things will be alright, my love, and
You can stay here, with me...
At least for tonight...

You will watch it. And you will be amazed.

So, my darling Ashley visited this weekend. I was excited. I miss her verymuchindeed.

Indeed.

Also: I'm hyper and don't have the attention span to write a decent update right now. I'll get back to you on that.

Also: He's such a cutie.

Blah.

Wrote something a few days ago. I really like it. I don't like the music that goes with it anymore, though. Needs to be different. Fixin' it up soon.

Anehwho:

I'm kinda annoyed at people lately. Not many people, but I'm actually seeing their true colors, and it bugs the shit outta me. They're still awesome friends, but they just... annoy me. And I'm not one who usually gets annoyed.

Ah, well. I need to do dishes. Yeah, let;s do dishes. Then maybe play some Fiesta. Then maybe kick it on the flute some. Yeah

Also: I'm coming down with a cold. -sniffle-

...

Got sucked in again.
...Really should've known.
Why did I think it would've been different?

...Dammit.

GIVE ME THAT REMOTE BACK, AND QUIT PRESSING THE REPEAT BUTTON.

X'(

No One Ever Reads These Things, Anyway.

1) I love you more than most would think necessary. Oh, well. Suppose it's not really their problem, now is it? But, yeah. I worry about how much you mean to me, and I think far too much about it. I need to quit it, but I honestly don't think my mind can really give it up. Dang.

2) Had a dream the other night. Didn't like it. Everyone was going to this big party, and they were gettin' all fancied up and stuff, and they all had dates. Everyone. Except me, naturally. So I sat, alone, for about an hour in this dream. Just me. No music, even!! And I disliked it. I've never been so close to tears because of a friggin' DREAM before. Meh.

3) I'm listening to the four teaser tracks that Intervision has had on their site for about four months now. And my brain is like EXPLOSION!! YOU MUST GET THIS ALBUM, KATELYNNNNNN!! DO IT NOW! Like HOLEY PHUCK, that man is a musical genius. Not sure how he does it, but all his songs make my brain go through soundgasms. And I really need to get my hands on the CD. Click -->THIS<--and you will see what I mean. The man's voice is AMAZING, and I NEEEEEEED more of his orgasmic vocal drugs.

4) Thoughts of you, mixed with the amazing colors and songs of Intervision, creates a very enjoyable cocoon of content that I can sink into. It's like a being underwater sort of feeling - having the pressure of the water all around you - but you can actually breathe. It makes my heart smile.

5) I miss my cat.

6) 'm not entirely sure why I'm writing all this on the here and now, but whatever. Intervision is amazing. Have I ever told y'all this slight fact? Like, really. I DARE YOU to listen to their three albums and NOT find a song that you identify with. Lalala, so very random right now.

7) I've reached a point where I can safely say that prolonged exposure to certain types of music has an effect comparable to people on a range of different substances. Take now, for instance. INTERVISION has effectively plunged me into a mildly self-pitying, interpretive, introspective thoughtbox that is useless to anyone for the next hour or so. Yey, drugs that I can't get in trouble for abusing.

8) "Sailors be warned, it's a red sky mornin'; the makin's of a perilous day..."

9) I don't want to be alone for the rest of mine life, noes. I also don't want to attempt another relationship and have it not work out. First time sucked enough as it is. Don't want to go through it again. No, no. I'll pass on that lovely little experience. However, I also know that if I'm too scared to try again, there's an even smaller chance that I'll end up with someone. What a vicious, furious cycle.

10) It's really weird. But. Out of the people I've genuinely liked (I can count them on one hand), The only ones. Who have actually liked me back. Are untouchable. I don't know if anyone else realizes how much that messes with one's mind. It's like, "Oh, you like me? I like you, too! Unfortunately, I don't like your genitals, so we can't be together." The irony in this next statement made me laugh, but I must write it to maybe sufficiently pass across my mindset at the moment, and maybe for longer than just this moment. Fuck. Genitals. (Immature mind goes 'Hee~') Like, seriously. Am I the only one who doesn't care what kind of underwear they wear? It's a personality thing, that I'm attracted to. And I'm RIDICULOUSLY in love with your personality, darling. However, you had to bring to light the fact that you dun like my underwears.

...Shit. I've just now realized (after the music has stopped and my mind is somewhat cooling) that I'm ranting about gay men and underwear. Dayum, Katelynn. This is almost a new low for you. V_V

 Last bit of music-induced bullshit before I leave you alone: I don't build walls to keep people out. I build them because I'm terrified that no one will love me enough to climb over them. And I realize how much sense that didn't make. Fuck.

...I need more Intervision.

Peheh.

So... Yeah. Not gonna lie, today's been pretty epic so far. All things considered, and such.

Spent the night at Kyle's, 'cuz I didn't feel like heading home after Jenni ABANDONED ME. Crashed on his futon thing, yeah. Listen to his futhermucking phone go off a MILLION FUTHERMUCKING TIMES before I finally ignored it and kinda went to sleep... right before my alarm went off. Then it was like, "Heyyyy, Kyle. You should come with me on my route."

Then we commenced to beat the everliving shit out of my paper route with a stick.

It was raining, and that kinda sucked, but we saw an owl, and it sat in the middle of the road and stared at us for a few seconds before flying off.

Did I mention we beat the shit out of the route? Like, shaved fifteen minutes off my normal time. It was kinda awesome.

Went to McDonald's for brekkist, nom. Laughed about how entirely epic people could be, should be, might be, and aren't. (And apparently, one of the LHSOM Professors knows that I'm a synaesthete. And now I'm trying to figure out how he found out. o.o) Anywho, came home, started playing Fable II, NAPPED, woke up, NAPPED AGAIN, woke up, downed some coffee and played a bit more Fable, yeh. Drank some coffee, first coffee I've had since finals week and MMMMM, it's good. Like, dayum.

Yeah. Coffee. Mmm.

Oh. And I've decided once more that I fail as a girl in SO many hardcore nerdy ways. Example? My GBA/NDS emulator. Zoids: Legacy. It's a funfun game. Was playing through it, and getting WAYYYY too into it. Like, I love that game so damn much. Zoids is the shit, dudes and dudettes. And there are some very, very, very, and yet again VERY sexy pancake Zoids out there. Like, seriously. Tasty as all hell. Blitz Tiger. Like, me-yow.

...

I'm done. I'm not done failing as a girl, but yeah. Love it hardcore.

...Fire Emblem for my emulator? DON'T MIND IF I DO!!! -flees, laughing hystericaly-

BBB (BlogBeforeBed)

Chyeeeeeah. D&D and Thai House and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blawg and stuff.

I lieks them, chyus.

A note to the peoples I deliver to:

If you go on vacation, tell us. I don't like giving you papers and then being asked why I gave you a paper. Alternatively, if you come back from vacation, TELL US. We don't automatically know when you get back. So call in, tell me that you have a restart, and we'll get it done. Yus.

Also. I want to work at Pizza Hut very badly. I'd like another job. Because I have TOO MUCH TIME on my hands and money never hurt anyone.

/end chaos

...Fuck you, ABBA.

I was having an epic night. Then I listened too closely to a song. And the night becomes mildly less epic.


Damn ABBA.
---------------------------
I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through.
Though it’s hurting me,
Now it’s history.
I’ve played all my cards,
And that’s what you’ve done too.
Nothing more to say,
No more ace to play.

The winner takes it all...
The loser standing small.
Beside the victory,
That’s her destiny.

I was in your arms,
Thinking I belonged there.
I figured it made sense,
Building me a fence.
Building me a home,
Thinking I’d be strong there;
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules.

The gods may throw a dice,
Their minds as cold as ice;
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear...
The winner takes it all.
The loser has to fall.
It’s simple and it’s plain;
Why should I complain?

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you? 
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name? 
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all...
-------------------------------------------
It's not that I'm still brooding about this. But it just irks me that I can still find ways that songs worm their ways into my life.


In other news, I GOT A JOB, BIZNATCH!! Gonna hafta get up so very early, but it's gonna be worth it. :D


That is all.


.