Αντιο, Μοσχα!!

Only for a couple days, though. I'll be back (however briefly) to work, then I'll head down to the G once more. Until I come up again for work. >.<

Oh, life.

Not sure what I'm gonna be doing Christmas night (other than spending it alone -sadface-). Everything's gonna be closed, I'm sure. And everyone's gonna be with family, or drinking. Drinking no bueno. Need to find someone to not drink with.

As a consequence of going home, I won't have internet. I'm not even bringing my laptop with me. There are other things to do down there, luckily. Not much, but enough to keep me from going insane. Might bust out a saddle and see if I remember how to get onto a horse.

BUT before I leave, I have to share this with the world:

Got introduced to them through a friend (who I love-slash-hate right about now because this song is all I've been singing for the past TWELVE HOURS). The song itself is great. I. Love. It. Lyrics, overall sound, and the color content, naturally. And the video just makes you go "...Wtf?". It's a nice combination, really.

I'll get you back for this, unnamed friend. Just you wait. D:<

And with that, I go to my shiny red car and drive off into the sunset. Err... noonday sun. Yeah.

See you in a few days, Moscow!!

~Positive Post~

So very very glad that school is over. I needed this break.

And now that I don't have classes to stress about, I've taken up writing again. Music and poetry, my mediums once more.

I'm also noticing how often I post here, compared to my other journal. Not really sure why, though. It might have something to do with the fact that I can limit who sees my entries on LiveJournal. Ah, well.

Hey, I got a comment on my last post-blurb-snippet thingy. Kinda surprised me. I was all like "Woah... someone actually reads this? :O" It was a good kind of surprised, though. Indeed.

Uhm, what else to spout about... it's almost Christmas! But you knew that. Hrm...

Heading back to the G in a couple days. Excited to see Dad and the sibs, not so excited to be in the G. There's... not really anything there for me anymore. I've moved on, moved out. I consider Moscow to be my home now, though HOME home will always be with Dad.

Think that's it for now. See you when I see you.
~Ταθ

Vagueness~

It tastes like confusion and pain and unshed tears.

MusicNeedMusicMustHaveMusic

 I have no clue where this swing came from. Like... I honestly have no clue. I was just sitting. Just sitting! And all of a sudden, I feel the need to curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep. There's this massive hole in my being that came out of NNNNOWHERE, and it's just chilling here like "Hey, we're gonna make you feel miserable for a while." It's nothing hormonal, I know. And it hasn't been this intense in a loooooong time. I've had my moments, for sure, but shit.

And the worst thing is, I can't stand myself when I'm like this. I'm... kinda gross right now. Clingy and miserable and ick. Wanting someone. Wanting something everyone else seems to have. It... hurts.

To accompany this, YOU aren't helping any. Iddon'twanttohearyougushaboutyourboyfriendanymorebecausefranklymydearIdon'tgiveaflyingfuck.

...No. You don't want to hear this. I'm whining and self-pitying and gross right now, and you don't need to/want to hear it.

Σ'αγαπο, και καληνυχτα.

For Tath and Tath Alone...

Yyyyyyeah. The next week or so is going to be a Tath week, meaning that when Katelynn has down-time, Tath is taking over. Not really sure why, though. Could be that I'm pissed at people still, and this is my subtle way of sticking it to the proverbial man. Could be that I need to destress, and this is a fitting way for me to unwind. Whatever the reason, Tath is coming out. No one will know (except for the people reading this, and even then they'll be like "wtf?"), and I'll get to let myself out for a time.

Everyone wins, because ignorance is bliss, aye.

I miss Tath. With a passion. Quirky little closet case. SHE SHALL RAMPAGE AGAIN, THOUGH!! HAHAHA!!!

...Yeah. That's all I got.

OOH, OOH!! My Lashily is visiting tomorrow!! I miss her SO VERY MUCH. =^.^=

(drug-fuled blather)

Slept through a kickass storm last night, apparently. Kinda bummed about it, but I'm pretty sure that I would be dead today had i not slept. Like... Sleep last night was good, because the thermometer topped out at 103. I'm back down to 98.9, which is bueno. Hooray for normality. (And no. that wasn't a typo. 98.9 is pretty norms for me.)

...I had a shit ton of stuff I wanted to write tonight. But now that I'm actually sitting down and thinking about it, I can't remember anything. Typical.

Mm... I'd like a functioning computer cord. Plz and thankyoo.

People are... confusing. Very. Iiiiii wish I understood them better. Thought processes and whatnot.

"I am the modern man/who hides behind a mask/so no one else can see/my true identity."
I enjoy this song as of now. Or at least, I enjoy these few lines.

Uhm.... what else?

Oh. Last night's misery slump. Wasn't fun. Felt really fuckin' undesirable, and didn't know how to fix it. i was in that "What is wrong with me? am I just not pretty enough? Funny enough? Smart enough?" mindset. No bueno.

DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO!!

Shrimp is delicious. haven't had shrimp in a loooong time. Shrimp makes the kitty in me hapy. Very, very happy.

And, I'm thinking that it's time to go away. I need to lock the meds up so I don't take any more before bed. Because I have to wake upppp tomorrow. And go to CTC. Whee.

I hate being sick. And I hate medicine. i never take medicine when I'm sick. Except when roomie makes me go to the Student Death Center and they force meds upon me. let me get better on my owwwwwn! Do you see what your poison does to me!?

...Yeah. I'm done for now. If I had a computer cord, this wouldn't be happening, because I'd have my notation software and my emulator AND Lady Death's story all at my fingertips. buttt, no. Not for a while. Or at least until Saturday. Yayyyyy, payday!

((Also: Dear irrational crush; please leave me alone. I know nothing will happen between me and the person that I'm crushing on irrationally, so leave her and i alone, and let me be able to interact with her in a normal way. Thanks. ~Tath))

Speaking of Tath, she hasn't come out in a loooong time. Damn college. I might go for a walk one of these weekends. Maybe go to the park with a notebook or somethin' and let the Tathness shine for a while. Yeah.

I also can't help but notice that even though I said I was leaving a while ago, I'm still typing away! FREAKING MEDS. This is why I don't put anything into my body, children. Music and Cranberry-Pomegranate juice is as far as it goes! No drugs! No alcohol!

...I wonder what kind of drunk I would be if I drank. Hm.

NO. No more tangents. Sleepytime for psychotic Katelynn-thing. Yes. Sleep is good. Goin' to sleep now. Mhm. Here I go. Grarghlgshnarghle.

-sniffle-

"If I asked you how many best-best-best friends you had, would you tell me?"

"I have two."

"...That was quick. Only two? You sure?"

"Mhm. Just two." -sips drink-

"...Oh." -pause- "Am... Am I one of them?"

"No, sweetheart... you aren't."
----------------------------------
Urrrrrrgh. I'm getting a cold. This sucks.

DO. NOT WANT.

Like, what the hell, immune system? You never break this easily. :(

Aaaaaand, I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. But, I've got my Civ Bibliography due, and I should prolly get that in. yus.

-sniff-

I miss my lappytop. Poor guy has been sitting on my desk for the past three days, just waiting for me to supply him with a steady supply of power once more. Damn cord... But what can you do, really? It's been four years. About time something broke on that thing.

I love my brick of a laptop so much. ^_^

I'd really love to be able to write/print out some band parts right about now, not gonna lie. Never really realized how therapeutic composing actually is until now... Gah.

I totally could've busted out a band short tonight. Everything. Every part, hands down. Easily. But I couldn't because my cord is friend and it is terrible. -sneezeflail-

x_x

But, yeah. Once I get a new cord, I'm going to hole myself up in a coffeeshop with some tea (It's nearly winter. Coffee season is over.) and my laptop and I'm going to write ALL DAY. And it shall be wonderful. Maybe I'll actually get around to finishing the first movement of the Nessling's piece, so that there are actual colors to go with the story.

No. Bad lung. Stay inside the chest. No. Stay. Good lung.

And the inevitable angsting: I really wish I could help people more. I wish I could shake this feeling of complete uneasiness. I wish I could say for sure that everything will be alright. And I wish things were different.

-sneeze-

DAMN STUFFY NOSE. I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

-...snore...-

Mmn... too tired to post anything of substance. Going to sleep as soon as I get back upstairs.
I'd really like a functioning computer cable. I miss having my compositions to decompress in.

Too many thought processes trying to take precedent over each other. Not enough brainspace. Not enough patience. Not enough music to deal with it all.

Heading to sleep now. S'agapo. <3

...Well. ((MASSIVE THOUGHTDUMP ALERT.))

I'm such a sad, confused being. Can't possibly be human, because I'm sure that normal people don't have my problems. Pfft.

And with that intro, lets begin the thought-dump, shall we?

Firstly, we'll start with music. You all know that I love it (or you damn well should know by now, at least) and that I use it to define moments in my life. At the current moment, life can be summed up in the follwoing two songs:

Blue October's "Jump Rope", and
Vienna Teng's "Stray Italian Greyhound".

Unfamiliar? Let's run through these, briefly.

The gist of "Jump Rope" is this: Sometime life sucks. Sometimes it'll feel like you're on top of the world. Up, down. "Life's like a jump rope". Kinda where I've been the past few weeks, if you're just now joining us. It's an epically cheerful song, though, and the newest addition to my tiny 'Endless Repeat' playlist.

"Greyhound" is a bit more... specific. Annoyingly so.

I've essentially resigned myself to the fact that college is going to be a single endeavor for me. I've gotten used to really liking someone, and then realizing that I have my eyes on someone who isn't interested (either that, or they aren't into people like me, but we won't go there). Essentially, I've grown 'content' with the fact that I'll most likely be alone for the next few years. I'm kind of okay with it. It doesn't bug me as much as it should, sitting on the sidelines and watching as my friends find partners, and holding said friends - wiping their tears when things don't go as planned. It's just kinda my thing, I guess.

((Tangent update:  TOTALLY GOT MY DS EMULATOR WORKING. PLATINUM IS MINE, AGAIN!!!))

Aaaaaand then THIS happens. Someone comes out of the blue (except not really) and looks like he might actually have a genuine interest in me. And now I'm like, well SHIT! Don't get me wrong, it's actually kinda neat that someone thinks I'm worth that, but at the same time, I can't help but freak.

Lyrics to "Stray Italian Greyhound".

"Oh no not now... 
Please not now...
I've just settled into the glass half empty,

made myself at home.
And so why now? 

Oh, please not now...
I just stopped believing in happy endings, 

harbors of my own

But you had to come along, didn't you?
Break down the doors, throw open windows.
Oh, if you knew just what a fool you have made me...
So what do I do with this?

This stray Italian greyhound, these inconvenient fireworks,
This ice-cream covered, screaming hyperactive thought?
God, I just want to lay down, these colors make my eyes hurt;
This feeling calls for everything that I am not..."

Sooo.... Yeah. First verse + chorus. Sums it up pretty well, I think.

And I can't help but laugh at myself. For the past three semesters I've been 'bummed'-ish about being single, and now that someone may be interested, I don't know what to do with it. Urgh.

And then, of course, there's the major 'WHAT IF'. 

What if it works out? 

What if it goes farther than just a few dates? (Oh, damn. I actually used the 'd' word.)

What if it goes father than just a few months?

What if it... works?

I'll have to tell him about me eventually, if we work out. And if he's that serious about it, I really have little fear. But still.

Aaaaand, holy shit. I read into that a fuck ton more than I should've. Way to overreact like always, Katelynn. Pfft.

We'll see how this goes, though. I'm holding all judgement until after our lunch tomorrow. Then things go down.

SUBJECT CHANGE, WHOOOOSH!

The coffeeshop on campus spelled my name right today. I took a picture. It never happens.

Oh. YOU. Just wanted to drop by and say a few words.

-ahem-

Any shreds of respect I may've once had for you are gone. I'll be decent in your presence, but I won't go out of my way to accommodate you. Not any more. I hate to say it, but you aren't the friend I remember you being. You've changed, and frankly, I really don't like who you are now. And I definitely can't stand you and your newest victim as you mush all over each other like a pair of eels. Seriously. I'm tired of putting on the "Lolz, you two are adorable" mask, because I'm two clicks away from being completely fed up. I really don't want to do it, lady. I don't like being a bitch. But still.

....Aaaaaaand that concludes this episode of Thoughtdump. Tune in next time, kids.

"Love Hurts..."

"...but sometimes it's a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive..."

Ever had so much positive feeling in you that it gives you physical pain? Like... you love people so much that it actually hurts? I'm there right now. Thank you, beloved freshman, for making me realize just how many friends I truly have, and how much I love them all. I'd also like to thank you for the valuable insight on my inner circle. And you don't even know what you've done. How perfect. :)

And it does indeed remind me that I'm alive, and that no matter how tough life will get (and trust me, it gets damn tough sometimes) my friends will always be there for me, just like I'm always there for them.

I don't think I'll ever be able to fully express just how much I love my friends, my real friends, my friends who are more like family than anything else. But if you're reading this, and you're one of my besties, I want you to know just how much I love you. There is an indescribably massive amount of affection in me that is reserved for you guys and only you guys. 

Gah. SO much love. And I wish you all knew just how much.

And with that, I go to sleep. Because minus DST, it's nearly 2 am, and I have class in the morning. Goodnight, my darlings. 

Σ'αγαπο. <3

P.S. One of my besties is getting an LJ!! I'm very very happy for said person!! Can't wait!! -dances-

-insert fitting title-

Blah. I'm so far gone, anymore. Life is crumbling just a bit. 

Okay, no. Life is crumbling a FUCK TON.
Worst thing is, I know I need to talk to someone about it, but I can't. It's extremely difficult for me to actually go to someone and ask them if I could decompress at them. So I just don't talk. To anyone. At all.

Not good, considering I haven't really talked to anyone at all about anything for nearly twenty years.

(-insert shudder- Whoo. Twenty years. I feel... old.)

It's not that I don't want to talk to anyone, it's just that I physically cannot bring myself to initiate conversation. And once conversation is started, I don't know what to say. I have extreme difficulty getting the emotions and feelings from my mind into verbal form. It will, most likely, take someone quite literally dragging me somewhere, sitting me down, and prompting me until I cave and unload my life onto them.

...Geez, I've got problems.

Talked to one of my friends the other day, and she instructed me to talk to someone. And I nodded and said that I'd try, but now that I'm trying to find someone to talk to, all the same worries are coming back. They don't have the time, or there's so much more constructive things that they could be doing than worrying about my problems, and I'd be imposing on their time, and so on and so forth.

I'd love someone to unload on. Someone who I can vent and cry to (...yeah, cry. I want to cry again. I want that piece of emotion back, Mother dearest. I'm tired of sucking it up and dealing with it, and I want to cry again. I hope you're pleased with yourself.), and someone who would vent and cry with me. Someone who I can lean on, but whom I can also support. But I don't feel... close enough to anyone to do that. I can count on one hand the people who I feel comfortable decompressing at, but I don't feel that we're really that close. I know that I care ridiculously deeply for said people, and I'd do anything at all for them, but I don't feel that it's entirely mutual. But having someone to relate to, having that mutual connection where I would hold them when they need it, and they'd hold me when I needed it... 

...I hate this doubting part of me.

I want to believe them. I really do. But I just don't feel.. worth it.

If anyone's reading this, and thinking things, let me tell you one thing straight up: this is indeed a cry for help, because there's no way I'd say any of this in real life. The Katelynn you see walking between classes is a Katelynn who puts on a mask and suffers through it until she gets home. The Katelynn you see as the funny kid with the wit and the jokes is no more than a shaking, quivering, terrified mess of emotion. And you'll just never know these things, because you'll wave and ask me how I'm doing, and I'll hesitate before smiling and saying "I'm good, how are you?" And I'd change it, but I really don't know how. I can't. I'd say it's because I'm afraid, but I honestly don't know anymore.

Idunno. Maybe I'm just tired. And maybe I'm a bluebird wid' a frog for me uncle. I know being silent will only make things worse, but it's hard to change something I've been doing all my life...

Of Fridays and Freestyle~

 "It's dark. Still. A candle in the window of each house, some lit, others dead. The city stretches to every horizon. From the sea of star-dotted ink rises a tower - Her tower. She sits, silhouetted against the clock's pallid face, and waits. Watches. The bells toll. One... Five... Eleven... She steps out into thin air and descends like a drop of water through oil, until her feet brush the bruised black cobblestones of her city. Down the streets she passes. A glance extinguishes a flame, and a candle bursts into spirited life somewhere else in the hugely eternal domain..."

This originated as a solo for a trumpet friend of mine. I sat a piano and plinked, until I found a pretty sound. Then I let it run away with my creative license. A simple solo turns into something dark and terrifying and chilling.

And it has a story, apparently.

More to come. But, yeah. Gotta love it.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was kinda ridiculous. Like, beyond ridiculous. Friday morning pretty much raped my brain, and sucked all the happy out of me. No bueno. Do not want. Aural Skizzles really didn't help anything, either. Meh. Then came marching band, which was good, yus. Chilled after that, scribbled on the crumpled piece of notebook paper that contains the rough work for said trumpet solo, then went to J-j-j-jazz Choir. Mmm, tasty. Went home after that, wrote some more (I don't have a problem. Honest.) went to Serpentine (marching band does it smarching thing through campus while squad leaders try not to murder ditsy Hawaiians and other people who can't stay in line!!!), hung out with some of the bestest bandos in the whole world, aaaaand went home. And now, here I sit, digesting a tuna melt thing (that could've used banana peppers. Really.) and writing more. And thinking. -le sigh-

Boyyyyyyys are silly. And adorable. But mostly silly. And confusing as all hell.

And clingy. D: Switch to different boy for a moment. The clingy one. Yessss, you. I'm okay with the clingyness, because I enjoy snuggles and I don't get enough of them from anybody. But. I dun want the snuggles you give me to convey the wrong message to people. Because you are snuggly to me and not as much to others and I are teh scared that they'll read to far into things like they tend to do and then get depressed.

And then there's the one who I'm trying to figure out. Because I'd really like to start something with him, but I dunno if I should. I enjoy who you are, but am I just reading too far into it?

GAH. Men.

Aaaanywho. Prolly write a bit more, then head to sleeps. Hooray for weekend work, whee!

Σαγαπο, και καληνυχτα~ <3

Hmm.

Aaaaaaand tonight is one of those nights where I really wish I had someone to snuggle up with and just... be. Not even necessarily in a romantic way, just... there with someone.

Iiii'm going through another icky lonely phase, whee. It shall pass. They always do.

But, yeah. Tonight feels like a night to dwell on relationships and fun things like that. :/ Not good for me, but whatever.

So much affection to give. No one to receive.

I Abuse the Tilde~

Tell me~

Tell me about your feelings,
Tell me about your stories;
Look into my eyes and come on closer
And make me immortal with a kiss.
Tell me...
Tell me about your feelings,
Tell me about your stories; We know it's over, so tell me it's over,

And life will be better in spring...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, Cyprus. How I love you.
The above lyrics aren't relevant to anything in life right now (though they're scarily accurate to the mindset of a last-semester Katelynn 0.0), I'm just completely in love with this song. The Eurovision contest has broadened my view of lyrical music in general. I suppose words aren't so terrible after all! -shot-

Iiii was up late last night. Like, ick. Got to bed around four, woke up at six (fucking circadian rhythm.), dozed on and off for the next four hours, all the while trying to ignore the whisker kisses of my ninja. Whee.

But once I admitted that I was awake, I went and filled my ears with Lincolnshire Posy. Lots of it. On repeat. Gooood stuff. The third movement, 'Lord Melbourne', has these three chords at the end that I have lovingly dubbed "Fuck, yeah!" chords. Because you get there, and it's so glorious. So epic when performed live. Also on my Endless Repeat playlist (Yes, it's an actual list. Judge me and die.) are Cyprus's song, and Nickel Creek's "Lighthouse's Tale". So amazingly gorgeous. The harmonies in "Lighthouse" are nearly magical. Really makes me wish I could hook up a video screen to my eyes and let everyone else see what I see.

BUT instead of wasting your respective times gushing and fangirling over how amazing the music and lyrics of everything ever are, I'll get to what I really meant to put in this post~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like things are falling apart as of late. I'm confused. My mind is cluttered and distracted (I blame you <3) and in too many places at once. But when I actually try to ponder a conclusion, I get two steps close to nowhere. Which is why I come here (and my shiny new LiveJournal, as well {though there are things I'll post here, but not there, and vice versa}) to list things and vent and write shtuff down, aye.

So here we are, whee~

1. My bestie from back home (with whom I haven't spoken with in ages {eew, proper grammar}) ambushed me on Facebook the other day. We chatted it up, then she shot me a joke. Something agriculturally-based. I got it, and laughed, but before I could type my reply, she typed: "Or are you too liberal to appreciate a joke like that?"

Now I'm not saying that I got upset, but that little retort stung. Really. I mean, come on. Does me being liberal and not fucking ashamed of it make me a bad person? Does it make Katelynn DIRTY somehow? Unable to appreciate a joke? Does it mean that I've completely changed my lifestyle and refused to acknowledge anything from back home? I know I've realized and changed a lot about myself, but I'm still tied to that desolate little town... Gah. Some people.

2. Some people (read: one person in particular) need to realize when someone dislikes what they're doing. In example: If I touch your back every time I talk to you, and you look at me rather pointedly and move away each time, I'd stop. Yes? Yes. It's easy.

But some people just CAN'T GET IT THROUGH THEIR HEADS and they're going to end up WITHOUT FINGERS if they DON'T STOP TOUCHING.

I don't want to make a big deal of it. I'm not the type of person who enjoys making a scene. I like my silence, and I've no problem with being overlooked. If I'm not in the spotlight, no worries. But sweet Jesus, man. If you don't back the fuck off, I'm going to do something that neither of us want to happen. -rage-

3: My roomie just ambushed me, and told me to look up a video on YouTube. So I did. And I can safely say that it made me cry. Like, if roomie hadn'tve been sitting there, I would've let go. As it was, I just marveled in the fact that it was so touching, and that I was barely restraining my intense need to bawl. The song was "Somewhere Out There". The singer was 4 years old. The performance made me cry. If you fail to understand the significance of this, ask me about it. 

4: It's... nice to be back here again. Like, I was rather terrified that I'd never let myself be back here again, but now that I'm here, and there might be a chance that it could actually work (and that I've bared myself for a possible rejection, I'm... rather content (in this situation alone. everywhere else, I'm a mess). We'll see where it goes. ~ <3

5: I've been hard pressed to fulfill my purpose this week. So many of my friends are needing a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to chew on, or just someone to talk with about things. And I love doing it (the gratification of knowing that I might've helped even just a tiny bit is immense), but I think that some small part of me is yearning for a shoulder of my own to cry on. My reaction to that YouTube video made it all the clearer. I've been stressed for the past few weeks, and I've been ignoring it. Le sigh. If only I was one who felt comfortable enough (read: felt that people actually cared) to talk about stuff with people. I know some of them care. But, meh. There's a chunk  a few posts back that kinda explains this. Whatever. That's what my beautiful pair of emotionally-explosive outlets are for. ^_^

6. Couple weeks back, I met one of the trumpet players in marching band. Cool kid. We chatted at lunch, and when he turned to talk to a friend, my ears couldn't help but prick at their conversation. He dropped a name that I recognized, and I asked him about it. He seemed... hesitant to explain (not that I blame him), but once he realized that I knew exactly what he was talking about, he was super excited. And now we're buddies. ^^

Which once again makes me realize how small of a minority I really am, when everything is taken into account. Like... yikes. If ever there were a person to be viciously misunderstood and judged/persecuted/scorned for it, it'd be me. Yay. Sad thing is, I was almost as excited as he was to realize that we were in the same minority. Because a) it's not an obvious thing, 2) it's not like I can go around asking people about it, and c) it's a highly misunderstood position to be in. I've never talked to anyone about it. Ever. Because I don't know how they'd react, and I'm pretty sure that they all have preconceived notions about said minority.

...Oh, snap. Look at the time. I should go to bed now. Yes. Maybe. Which means I'll still be awake for at least another half hour.

Also: OMFG, FACEBOOK. I appreciate the concern, but I don't want million of lesbian chat advertisements on my sidebar. Thank you very freakin' much. -rage-

Σ'αγαπο! <3

Lalala~

Lalala~Volleyball.

Lalala~LiveJournal.

Lalala~OHEY, HAI THERE.

...Met someone today. We talked a bit. We've stuff in common. Like... terrifyingly obscure stuff that I can't discuss here because EVERYONE would know, and I'm not okay with that. D:

...Hm. This doesn't have much content, does it? 

Lalala~Pointless blog things.

...You Didn't.

--OH, YES I DID!!!

...My blogging has proliferated, it seems. I've made a livejournal.

What is wrong with me? Like, really? What am I going to use another blog for? Honestly?

But, yeah. Not much of an update. Not much to talk about.

Flipped through some old pictures, wished it was, realized it wasn't, and listened to some Armenian dance music. Mhm.

OH. TANGENT.
That kid. (I know who I'm talking about. Most of you don't.) He's adorable. I heart his face. Muchly. ^///^ Yash.

...That is all.

SELFISH SELF-ADVERTISEMENT!!

...Poke it.

.:Warring:.

Black feathers. Rose petals.
Constantly fighting, never ceasing in their struggle to prevail over one another.
The Pain
and the Love
and the Ache
and knowing that there will always be that
l
 i
  n
   e
of misunderstanding, the words unsaid, the looks not caught.

The hidden feelings, the light behind the eyes. The things never passed between the two.
Always fighting.
Living.
Warring.
Rose petals. Black feathers.
Not dark and light.
But maybe
emotion
and common sense?

The feathers slice and sting and tear. They hurt.
But the petals trap them, smother them.
Feathers silenced.
Petals victorious.
Until the ebony shards force their way through and scar the night.

The petals heal and sooth and console. They calm.
But the feathers need to breathe, and break free.
Petals destroyed.
Feathers released.
Until the roses wrap their thorns around them and choke them silent once more.

Oh, life~

It is good, if just for the moment. Tonight was the first time in a looooong time that I've been able to laugh like that. I'm really, really glad I know those guys, and that they're part of my life. Ι don't know what I'd do without them.

So, yeah. This isn't really an update, just me being happy and sentimental about having friends who I can laugh with. <3 <3 You guys rock. Love you guys so much.

((And I know my grammar is wrong in that sentence. It's two in the fucking morning, and I don't care. Going with the song of the night, I should tell you to eat shit and die. But I won't. Because I'm not a mean person like that.))

Also: Σπεακινγ ιν Γρεεκ, βιτψηεσ!

But typing with Greek letters is different than actually typing in Greek. :)

G'night, all.

I'm Such a Cheerful Little Shit

It is raaiiiiiiiiining. I'm exciiiiiiited.

Walked halfway home with teh Levi, then danced across the crosswalk. And danced home.

In the RAIN.

I love rain so much. :D

I'm the opposite of everyone else, I've decided. Like, when it's all sunny and shiny and whee, most people are happy and sunny and smiley and whee. I'm kinda moody. Glum. Brooding. (Though that's normally not caused by the weather ;P) But when it rains, I get all happy and hyper and WHEEEEE~~~!! And not glum and gloomy like everyone else.

Hee~!

ALSO:

I love my cheerful sarcasm and straightfacedness. Because I use it on people and they CAN'T TELL AND IT MAKES ME GLEE.

I get wayyyy too excited about this. I really do. I'm such a little shit. But there are some hella annoying people in this world who just can't take a hint. So I subject them to my cheerful sarcasm. Because they haven't got a clue. HEEHEEHEEEEEE.

...So, yeah. Today has been decent. ^_^ People are awesome and they make me laugh. And I'm a good person who sits with awesome freshman during convocation. 

...Also: Too many adorable people. They should stop being so adorable and make it easier on me. 

Emotional Vomit, Yay!

I'm glad it's Friday. Kinda. Okay, not really. I'm not really feeling strongly for the end of the week, but I'm not jumping because it's over. I'm in an apathetic, lost, searching, not-quite-but-almost self pitying sort of mood.

...Yeah. I'm in a mood again.

And I've actually reached a point where I can't find it in myself to talk to anyone about this. If I try, I feel like people think I'm a) a broken record, b) a whining selfish bitch, and c) looking for attention. But I'm not... I think. I mean, I feel like I'm all of the above, but I assure you that anyone I ask will say the opposite.

Eff. One moment. I need music.

Alrighty. Let's see what I can emotionally vomit onto this blog before I'm too musically saturated to think clearly.
Mmmm, Intervision. So soothing and sweet. Salve.

Prepare for unorganized thought barf.

I can't take people's compliments to heart. Like... They say they love me, and I want to believe them. They compliment me on random things, and I just can't feel like I deserve their praise. In a group of friends, where we're all laughing and having a grand old time, I can't help but feel separated from them. Lonely. Detached.

What's wrong with me?

I don't think anyone realizes how much I love people. I don't mean that to sound condescending or upstuck, I just feel that people don't feel as deeply about others as I do. I make friendships, and I trust people, and that feeling goes deeper than anyone realizes. I hold my friends closer to me than anything, save for family. Every hug I give isn't given lightly. None of my affection is given lightly, actually. I just... GAH.

People. I love them. I'm annoyed by them. I don't understand them.

I see relationships come and go. Quickly. Swiftly. The not-so-quick ones come, and they bloom beautifully, then they die. A flourishing blossom can look so gorgeous and promising one moment, and be charred and dead during the next. I don't know how people can claim to love others one day, then leave with the door swinging behind them the day after. I just. Don't. Understand.

I think that's my problem. I don't get it. And I'm unsure how to deal with it myself.

Subject change to pointless crap WHOOOOSH.

I love hugs. Hugs are fucking amazing. Cuddling is just as nice, but better. Cuddling is like one huge extended hug. I enjoy hugging people. Like, the people I hug are some of the greatest people in the world. I love cuddling as well. Back when I had someone to cuddle. (insert self-pitying shit) Still love it, though. I'd love to have someone to cuddle with. I'm a hella affectionate person. Really. I'm just afraid that a) I'll end up seeming too clingy b) I'll seem needy and c) people will get annoyed. Either that, or I'll get attached to someone and then things will go poof. Learning experiences, children. They're magical.

I think I'm too humble for my own good. I won't lie; my self esteem is shit at the best of times. I'm unsure as to why. It has no reason to be that way. I don't know. D:

GAH.

Also: this is one of the few nights where I really wish I could cry. I can feel the excess emotion wanting to burst out, and I'm sure I'd feel better after it, but I can't. Fuck it. One tear, maybe two. Then my mind tries to take over with shit like "Quit crying. You're being silly and stupid and juvenile.".

That is all. I'm done for tonight. Time to shower, eat, and go to the Jazz concert. Let the music distract me for another night.

Love you guys. More than you'll ever realize. G'night.

EDIT: Back from the concert, can't sleep. Put up another vague status on Facebook, received the expected result.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm casting out cries for help, but when people come running, I'm too afraid to open up.

I'm like some perverse child who cries 'Wolf!'.

...I need to sleep, before I say/do/post something that I regret. Come back here, Intervision.

This is What Happens--

--when it's four thirty in the morning and I'm pondering over things I shouldn't be pondering over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Lover mine,
Write another chapter of my life.
We'll set it on the shelf and walk away...
-What we were
Will never be forgotten, you've
Put it in the past, and found a better song to sing
At least for now...

-Friend of mine,
It all but kills me just to
See your eyes and smile turn to grey.

-Stay here, at least for tonight,
Let me write a lullaby and
Let the colors dry your tears away...
My arms will hold you close tonight,
I'll sing to you; Things will be alright, my love, and
You can stay here, with me...
At least for tonight...

You will watch it. And you will be amazed.

So, my darling Ashley visited this weekend. I was excited. I miss her verymuchindeed.

Indeed.

Also: I'm hyper and don't have the attention span to write a decent update right now. I'll get back to you on that.

Also: He's such a cutie.

Blah.

Wrote something a few days ago. I really like it. I don't like the music that goes with it anymore, though. Needs to be different. Fixin' it up soon.

Anehwho:

I'm kinda annoyed at people lately. Not many people, but I'm actually seeing their true colors, and it bugs the shit outta me. They're still awesome friends, but they just... annoy me. And I'm not one who usually gets annoyed.

Ah, well. I need to do dishes. Yeah, let;s do dishes. Then maybe play some Fiesta. Then maybe kick it on the flute some. Yeah

Also: I'm coming down with a cold. -sniffle-

...

Got sucked in again.
...Really should've known.
Why did I think it would've been different?

...Dammit.

GIVE ME THAT REMOTE BACK, AND QUIT PRESSING THE REPEAT BUTTON.

X'(

No One Ever Reads These Things, Anyway.

1) I love you more than most would think necessary. Oh, well. Suppose it's not really their problem, now is it? But, yeah. I worry about how much you mean to me, and I think far too much about it. I need to quit it, but I honestly don't think my mind can really give it up. Dang.

2) Had a dream the other night. Didn't like it. Everyone was going to this big party, and they were gettin' all fancied up and stuff, and they all had dates. Everyone. Except me, naturally. So I sat, alone, for about an hour in this dream. Just me. No music, even!! And I disliked it. I've never been so close to tears because of a friggin' DREAM before. Meh.

3) I'm listening to the four teaser tracks that Intervision has had on their site for about four months now. And my brain is like EXPLOSION!! YOU MUST GET THIS ALBUM, KATELYNNNNNN!! DO IT NOW! Like HOLEY PHUCK, that man is a musical genius. Not sure how he does it, but all his songs make my brain go through soundgasms. And I really need to get my hands on the CD. Click -->THIS<--and you will see what I mean. The man's voice is AMAZING, and I NEEEEEEED more of his orgasmic vocal drugs.

4) Thoughts of you, mixed with the amazing colors and songs of Intervision, creates a very enjoyable cocoon of content that I can sink into. It's like a being underwater sort of feeling - having the pressure of the water all around you - but you can actually breathe. It makes my heart smile.

5) I miss my cat.

6) 'm not entirely sure why I'm writing all this on the here and now, but whatever. Intervision is amazing. Have I ever told y'all this slight fact? Like, really. I DARE YOU to listen to their three albums and NOT find a song that you identify with. Lalala, so very random right now.

7) I've reached a point where I can safely say that prolonged exposure to certain types of music has an effect comparable to people on a range of different substances. Take now, for instance. INTERVISION has effectively plunged me into a mildly self-pitying, interpretive, introspective thoughtbox that is useless to anyone for the next hour or so. Yey, drugs that I can't get in trouble for abusing.

8) "Sailors be warned, it's a red sky mornin'; the makin's of a perilous day..."

9) I don't want to be alone for the rest of mine life, noes. I also don't want to attempt another relationship and have it not work out. First time sucked enough as it is. Don't want to go through it again. No, no. I'll pass on that lovely little experience. However, I also know that if I'm too scared to try again, there's an even smaller chance that I'll end up with someone. What a vicious, furious cycle.

10) It's really weird. But. Out of the people I've genuinely liked (I can count them on one hand), The only ones. Who have actually liked me back. Are untouchable. I don't know if anyone else realizes how much that messes with one's mind. It's like, "Oh, you like me? I like you, too! Unfortunately, I don't like your genitals, so we can't be together." The irony in this next statement made me laugh, but I must write it to maybe sufficiently pass across my mindset at the moment, and maybe for longer than just this moment. Fuck. Genitals. (Immature mind goes 'Hee~') Like, seriously. Am I the only one who doesn't care what kind of underwear they wear? It's a personality thing, that I'm attracted to. And I'm RIDICULOUSLY in love with your personality, darling. However, you had to bring to light the fact that you dun like my underwears.

...Shit. I've just now realized (after the music has stopped and my mind is somewhat cooling) that I'm ranting about gay men and underwear. Dayum, Katelynn. This is almost a new low for you. V_V

 Last bit of music-induced bullshit before I leave you alone: I don't build walls to keep people out. I build them because I'm terrified that no one will love me enough to climb over them. And I realize how much sense that didn't make. Fuck.

...I need more Intervision.

Peheh.

So... Yeah. Not gonna lie, today's been pretty epic so far. All things considered, and such.

Spent the night at Kyle's, 'cuz I didn't feel like heading home after Jenni ABANDONED ME. Crashed on his futon thing, yeah. Listen to his futhermucking phone go off a MILLION FUTHERMUCKING TIMES before I finally ignored it and kinda went to sleep... right before my alarm went off. Then it was like, "Heyyyy, Kyle. You should come with me on my route."

Then we commenced to beat the everliving shit out of my paper route with a stick.

It was raining, and that kinda sucked, but we saw an owl, and it sat in the middle of the road and stared at us for a few seconds before flying off.

Did I mention we beat the shit out of the route? Like, shaved fifteen minutes off my normal time. It was kinda awesome.

Went to McDonald's for brekkist, nom. Laughed about how entirely epic people could be, should be, might be, and aren't. (And apparently, one of the LHSOM Professors knows that I'm a synaesthete. And now I'm trying to figure out how he found out. o.o) Anywho, came home, started playing Fable II, NAPPED, woke up, NAPPED AGAIN, woke up, downed some coffee and played a bit more Fable, yeh. Drank some coffee, first coffee I've had since finals week and MMMMM, it's good. Like, dayum.

Yeah. Coffee. Mmm.

Oh. And I've decided once more that I fail as a girl in SO many hardcore nerdy ways. Example? My GBA/NDS emulator. Zoids: Legacy. It's a funfun game. Was playing through it, and getting WAYYYY too into it. Like, I love that game so damn much. Zoids is the shit, dudes and dudettes. And there are some very, very, very, and yet again VERY sexy pancake Zoids out there. Like, seriously. Tasty as all hell. Blitz Tiger. Like, me-yow.

...

I'm done. I'm not done failing as a girl, but yeah. Love it hardcore.

...Fire Emblem for my emulator? DON'T MIND IF I DO!!! -flees, laughing hystericaly-

BBB (BlogBeforeBed)

Chyeeeeeah. D&D and Thai House and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blawg and stuff.

I lieks them, chyus.

A note to the peoples I deliver to:

If you go on vacation, tell us. I don't like giving you papers and then being asked why I gave you a paper. Alternatively, if you come back from vacation, TELL US. We don't automatically know when you get back. So call in, tell me that you have a restart, and we'll get it done. Yus.

Also. I want to work at Pizza Hut very badly. I'd like another job. Because I have TOO MUCH TIME on my hands and money never hurt anyone.

/end chaos

...Fuck you, ABBA.

I was having an epic night. Then I listened too closely to a song. And the night becomes mildly less epic.


Damn ABBA.
---------------------------
I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through.
Though it’s hurting me,
Now it’s history.
I’ve played all my cards,
And that’s what you’ve done too.
Nothing more to say,
No more ace to play.

The winner takes it all...
The loser standing small.
Beside the victory,
That’s her destiny.

I was in your arms,
Thinking I belonged there.
I figured it made sense,
Building me a fence.
Building me a home,
Thinking I’d be strong there;
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules.

The gods may throw a dice,
Their minds as cold as ice;
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear...
The winner takes it all.
The loser has to fall.
It’s simple and it’s plain;
Why should I complain?

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you? 
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name? 
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all...
-------------------------------------------
It's not that I'm still brooding about this. But it just irks me that I can still find ways that songs worm their ways into my life.


In other news, I GOT A JOB, BIZNATCH!! Gonna hafta get up so very early, but it's gonna be worth it. :D


That is all.


.

Fwee~

It's about time for a positive post, aye? Aye.

I'm happy. It's a good happy. Like the happy you get when you find five dollars you didn't know you had in your pocket. Or the happy you get when you see a daisy sprouting in a bed of dandelions. The happy you get when you see a bunch of kittens who have yet to grow into their paws and their heads are too big and they start meowing at you and your head explodes into candy because they're so damn cute. That kind of happy.

And the kind of happy that comes with reconnecting with family that you haven't seen for nearly two decades. That kind of happy.

I heart mah brudder muchly, yus. And mah mommah.

Haha, that's an excellent feeling, being able to say that I has a mommah.

Tee-hee! I has a mommah!

And a brudder. Two year older than me, aye. And a couple more brothers older than him, and two older sisters.

But teh William is the one who found me on teh Facebooks. And he's rather badass, if I do say so mahself.

And now I'm done butchering the English language, I promise. I'm just in a mood.

Because I'm happy.

It's high time we had a positive update, aye?