Loneliness Rant Just a Bit

It's been a good past few days. Today was particularly epic. It rained. And it didn't just rain--it THUNDERED. And the wind blew, and the sky lit up in a blinding white flash, and it was GLORIOUS.

At times like these, I really wish I could fly.

...Random digression. Yikes.

Anywho, I really should've know that shit was gonna go down. Things were too awesome to last for long. Should've knowwwwwnnnn. GAH.

Too much to think about. Too much to feel. Too much that I want so badly to happen, and too much that never will.

...Life is funny like that sometimes. Makes me laugh and cry and sing and want to fall apart all at once.

Hooray for musical duct tape. Makes things not fall apart as easily.

...And this may sound disgustingly immature of me, but I have times when I just really want boy snuggles. With a boy that I actually really like. I think I'm too picky when it comes to boys, though. Snuggles would be lovely. Pure, innocent snuggles. My head on his shoulder, his arms around me. Silent. Maybe watching stars, or watching a movie, or just sitting there watching the darkness and listening to music. And just snuggling. And nothing more. Is that a bad thing? Too much to ask?

Buuuuut, until then, I shall snuggle with my invisible lover and blush when he doesn't kiss me sweetly on the cheek.

-descends into lonely spiral of good music-

And My Views Are On The Table -religion(flame)warning-

Earth below us,
Drifting, falling;
Floating weightless,
Calling, calling home...

Yeah, dunno why I put that up there. It's what's playing on my Playlist at the moment, and the colors are helping me think. I think I'll put this one on repeat, aye. And basically this is just a buffer, so your tender eyes don't see the blasphemous blog entry I'm about to lay down. Go to bed, O thou who is easily offended. Leave this terifying article to someone who will contribute something other than "OMG WTF, YOU'RE GONNA GET STRUCK BY LITENING, LOL."

That is all.

The rest of you, please, come sit with me and attempt to listen to what I have to say, and thank you for suffering through that first little bit.

Anywho, I think it's high time I sit down at the computer and figure out exactly what the hell is going on with me--specifically in the area of friendships and religion. As usual, this won't be in any organized form, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be rambling. You've been warned.

Religion. Friendship. Why can't they mix? Why should anyone have to give up one to keep the other? I have very good friends from all walks of life, and I love them all. So why, if the viewpoints of one friend disagree with my own, should I have to choose sides? Situation is as follows:

Jane is really close friends with Jill. Jill is a super-religious Bible thumper with a tendency to be rather stubborn. Jane has several friends who are, for lack of a better word, gay. Jane is perfectly fine with that--she's got no problem at all with it, and is just as close to them as she is to any of her other friends. Jill, however, is a mite prejudiced against homosexuals, and is trying to convince Jane that GAY = BAD, and that being friends with said gay people will end up with Jane burning in Hell.

...Do you know what it's like, having a close friend telling you that you're going to burn in Hell? It's really something. Nearly akin to someone taking a very thin knife and inserting it into your chest, carefully, so you don't notice it going in--then TWISTING IT.

Herein lies my question. Why the fuck can't I love all of my friends equally? I really don't get it. And here is where I question things I shouldn't really question--like God. What God would pose this problem to the people He loves? What God would let someone form close relationships with people, then make them choose one or the other? And if homosexuality is such a crime, then why did God allow it? The last time I checked, loving someone wasn't illegal, or against the Bible. Does it matter whether the person you love has the same genitals that you have? Maybe it's only me, but I tend to look at personality and values--and not whether they have a pole or a hole. I'm not saying that I currently find any female attractive, but I think that's just because I haven't found anyone who's been more than a friend. Yet.

Subject reversion--And if God loves the world so much, why does He let His people murder each other, and rape and steal and lie and go to other countries and MURDER in His name? It doesn't seem right to me, that a God of Love and Righteousness and Justice would turn His eye on all the hurt that is caused because of people believing that they're doing what they do for Him.

Can you maybe see how I might be questioning Him just kind of a little bit?

I just don't understand it. I'd really love to understand it, because maybe then I could straighten my most tangly issues out, once and for all. But until then, I really think Jane is going to have to suffer onward and continue with these skirmishes with Jill.

Because, when it really comes down to it... given the choices, I think I'd rather burn than give up the friendships I've made. I don't care.

Come. What. Fucking. May.

-unloads-

GAHHHHH, I've got so much on my mind right now. And music isn't helping.

MUSIC. ISN'T. HELPING.

And that's not cool. Music can always help. And when it can't help, it shakes me up a bit...
 
-runs in panicking circles-

Yeah, I totally just wasted about a minute of your life with nothing but spammitty spam junk posting. Yay, me.

...That is all. -mopes-

There's a Fuse--

--and it's lit. And the bomb's going to go off presently.

I knew she'd find out. And I knew it would hurt. But I didn't know she would outright question our friendship. I knew she'd be hurt, but... Ehh.

It takes quite a lot to phase me. Honestly. But hit me in the right spot and you can knock me down with little effort. It's safe to say that I haven't been this shaken in years.

And just another quick word: I'm so glad I've got friends I can talk to when things go to shit. I mean, usually I'm the one that they come to when they need to talk... But it's great to know that I've got some stability when I fall.

...Thanks, guys. It means a lot.

-mumbles-

I'm holding myself back. I'm the only thing keeping me from this.

But I don't want to go through this again. I really don't want to go through it all over again.

It feels like it's too early. I feel that I'll be... hurting him, somehow. But I know it most likely won't matter to him, but still... Why do I still worry about this so much?

...Anywho. Feels too soon, and I really don't want to admit it, but there's this guy...

Just a thought--

--so I know this is totally random, but it really intrigued me, and I felt like sharing it. Not sure why, although when I look at the clock and realize how late it is, I can't help but think if the lack of sleep is affecting my mind at all...

Anywho, I was on this random chat site. Omegle. You might've heard of it. Basically, you go and chat with strangers. Which means there are hundreds of creepers. Which means there's much fun to be had when it comes to messing with said creepers. But I digress.

I meet this person, and we talk, and he seems like a genuinely genuine person, which means I'll actually put some effort into talking in a civilized manner. We get to talking, and he asks me what my favorite color is (his is grey, btw. >.>). I tell him it's blue, and he asks why. I get to thinking about it and surprise myself with my answer:

{{Stranger: why is blue your favorite color?

You: ...Because (and this is going to make absolutely no sense whatsoever) I like the way it sounds.}}

....My answer amuses me. I'm not sure why, but that's how I see most music. It has color. Dunno why. Is that too weird..?

{{Stranger: i think i understand. that is novel though, hearing notes being referred to as blue

You: That's how it's always been. Never really thought about it or voiced it before, though. It works for me, though.
You: And different instruments have different colors, and vice versa.
You: Trumpets are brighter, usually reds and yellows and oranges.
You: Flutes are clearer, usually neon colors until their lower ranges. Then it cools down a bit.}}

And now I'm thinking that this is weird. Is it weird? Dunno. It's just a thought. Thought someone might be interested in it. Not sure who, but... yeah. Shutting up now. Going to bed now. >.<

Yeah... I'm done.

So I've decided that I'm finished. I've lost it, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I'm going insane, and no one can help. I need to schedule an appointment with my adviser. And the counseling center.

...Wow, I feel like a nutcase now.

Everything has decided to SMASH DOWN on me ALL AT ONCE. And I'm scrambling, trying to push it all back, but I

can't.

So I just kinda smile as I watch my life fall apart around me.

...Fun.

-crawls into hole-

I'll keep y'all posted.