Like watching a bubble...

...It rises into the air, so beautiful, so perfect. Then the wind picks up, and tosses it about. And you know that the bubble will burst eventually. You just don't know when.

...This is going to hurt us. I just don't know when she's going to find out.

See, I have a friend. I net her a few years back at a musical festival. She lived in the neighboring town, and we both played flute at the festival. Sat next to each other, chatted about life and stuff. Seemed like pretty good friends.

The following school year, she moves to my town, and we become even closer friends. She really depended on me to support her, and through a confession one night I stayed over at her house, she told me that if it wasn't for my friendship, she'd probably have committed suicide. (She has a self-esteem problem. Majorly.)

That's a fucking sobering fact, boys and girls.

Anywho, I get a call from her earlier today, and we're chatting about life and such. I don't even know how we got on the subject, but the conversation turns to homosexuality. And she goes on this FLAMING RANT about how she really dislikes (i.e., HATES) homosexuals. Naturally, I don't tell her that a few of my best friends are gay. Tactfully, I change the subject.

Aaaaand, then she goes to ask me how my relationship is going.

...HRM.

I can't lie to her. I told her we broke up, and that it wasn't a big deal, and that we're still awesome friends. But she wanted details, and I refused to give them to her. Because I know she'll freak the fuck out.

I feel like I'm betraying her. I know she's going to find out about this eventually, but I'm terrified to see where it goes from there. If she does anything after that... I'd never forgive myself. Ever.

Now, I know there aren't many people who read this, but if you do, I beg for your advice. On my knees, pleading. There are unshed tears in my eyes. I. Don't. Know. What. To. Do. I don't care if you're just browsing through the blog list--I need your help. I don't care if you don't know me, I don't care if I don't know you. I don't care if we're friends or otherwise. I'm stuck, and I've nowhere to go.

I'm sleeping on it, though. Praying a bit. Or a lot. Wait it out. What more can I do?

...It's like watching a bubble--one that will trigger the atom bomb.

Take Your Pick

Valentine's Day. Singles' Awareness Day. Choose whichever you'd like, and tote your cause.

But step lightly today, though, as some don't really give a flying fuck if you're single and so very lonely and OMG BOO-fucking-HOO.

On the flipside, don't rub it in peoples' faces that you and your beloved are going to brunch and then to the movies and then to your apartment for a nice candle-lit fuck dinner becuase you love each other so very very very much.

As for me, I'm going to sit here and laugh at the world as I push it all under my facade. Maybe I'll go out with the girls today. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Because I'm not bitter. Because life isn't bittersweet. Because it won't take me another nineteen years for me to find anyone HALF as amazing as he is. -chocolate nom-

Wish you were here--(Rantage)

Alrighty, let's lay this out on the table once and for all, because I'm rather fed up with this.

You, good sir, are the most loathsome bastard ever to walk the face of the earth. I wonder how you can live with yourself. You treat people as if they are nothing to you--even the people who call themselves your friends!!! How can THEY live with you!?! It's severely against my nature to hate people--and I can safely say I don't hate, only strongly dislike--but YOU.. Oho, you are the lowest on my list. If I was a person who hated, I would hate you.

And as for YOU--you just really kind of annoy me. I like you better than I like him, but seriously. Do you really have to be so... jerk-ish? I know there are people that you don't care for, but you you have to be so up-fucking rude about it!?

...Hi, my name's Katelynn Inman. I'd like to think that I'm a nice person. I'm pretty damn easy to get along with, once I get past the fact that I'm fatally shy. I don't know of any enemies that I've made, though I know exactly who would be an enemy if I wasn't as... Katelynn-ish.

See, Katelynn lives life with under a facade. She wears a lovely little mask that she's gotten very good at wearing. Under this mask is all the hurt and anger and emotion that you'll never see. Ever. And the awesome part is that Katelynn has total and complete control over it. So when she gets pissed, on goes the mask and the day is fine.

Moral of the story? You see Katelynn and you wave. She smiles and waves back.

But she really doesn't like you.

But you'll never know.

[So... I feel a bit better now that I've ranted a bit. ^_^]

Randomosity, again.

...Haha, just unearthed this silly little thing. It made me laugh, how cute it was trying to be.

Literally Insane, yay! Huzzah for HS blawgs!

...Anywhoz.

I think I need to get over this. Because he looks so happy now. And I've realized that I will not make things better by opening my mouth and making a complete idiot of myself. So this is me grinnin' and bearin' it. Yey for me.

...And I'm back on the lonely bus. Hopefully I can stay out of the moping seats.

Minor confusions...

Yeah, I've figured out the question that's been partying in my head. Actually figured it out enough that I can put it into words--which is a big thing for me. So... here they are, in no particular order (and definitely not in any order that makes sense):

He said he wasn't humoring me. I honestly believe him. Because he's either telling the truth, or he's excellent at projecting false affection.

So.

I'm wondering why we ended. I realize that he could never be attracted to me in that way, but honestly, I don't have a problem with it. It's just... being with him is amazing. He said he didn't feel it was fair, the amount of time we weren't spending together, but... That's what made it all the better. It was the anticipation that made the meeting so much better, and... Meh. It makes me wonder if he ended the relationship for my sake...?

I wish I had had the ability to think of this when we were walking. Why am I cursed with not being able to put things into words?

...*sigh*...

And the words go here, because I'm too afraid to talk to him about it. We've a grand friendship. I don't want to hurt it...

MERH. End of rant. This needs to end.

No, no, no, no!!

This is just the way things are. I can't start thinking about this again. Because if I do, I'm going to go insane--like I did last semester. And where did that get me? Not very far. If I keep thinking about this, and wondering what might've happened, and what I could've said, I'm going to end up saying things that may potentially endanger a very good friendship.

...Why does this bother me so much? Is this mental drama part of everyone's life? I need to write this down so it will GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

...Okay, so. The reason behind this: I just got back from watching a mind-numbingly BRILLIANT play, entitled "Strange Attractors". Two people meet in a ridiculously improbable manner, end up falling in love, beautifully cliche. But it was the overall meaning of it--and some of the dialogue--that really screwed me over. See, the man was obsessed with chaos theory, and one of their conversations was basically, "Don't you think that somewhere, something places things--and people? Like, putting them into a situation and seeing how it plays out?"

...I have a tendency to read into things. A LOT. But I couldn't help but think.

It went on, and I couldn't help but think... What if I had done something different? What if we had had more time to talk that night? What if I had said more? He said he didn't do it just to humor me, and I nodded at that, but... I really didn't understand it. I wish I had had the nerve to ask him more. The nerve, and the time.

GAH. I want to talk to him. But I don't want our friendship to be affected. Because he's made up his mind, and I think that if I talk to him more, I'll just make things awkward... And I really won't be able to tell him everything, because I won't be able to get the real meaning across.

...Sometimes, being me can be a real pain in the ass.

...Da-amn!

Of all times, my notation software has to choose NOW to be bitchy and decide not to work. Of course it does. Because it's just begging for a way to make my life SUCK.

BUT IT WILL FAIIIIL.

Hm, life. (And this is the part where you go 'Fuck, not AGAIN') But YUS, this is another life rant. It's rather positive this time around, though. :-)

Merh, seems like everything's cleared up in the boy department... or as cleared up as it can be. Still wish we could've had more time to talk about it, but I suppose there's no use worrying too much over it. We're still the friends we were before--maybe a bit closer? Maybe?--and there weren't any ragged edges to be fixed, so... yeah. Good stuff there.

Totally random note, in no way related to any of this: Today I made the mistake of allowing several of my friends to realize one of my greatest weaknesses... I'm superbly ticklish. How superbly? I'll give you an example:

I was sitting in my Music Theory class, trying to take notes, when my friend tries to tickle me. I squirm away, giggling just at the thought of being tickled. So he sits there and wiggles his fingers at me, watching me squirm.

I kinda hate him now. Just a bit. :D

But, yeah. Apparently I can be psionically subdued into a state of complete helplessness by the MOTION of being tickled. Awesome. Naturally, freaking EVERYONE knows this now. And is taking advantage of it. I guess people like watching Katelynn wig out and turn into a little twitching ball of OMGNOPLZNO!!!

...That is all. :)

I liek musick.

It'll take some time to get out of that "We-just-broke-up-and-It's-awkward-when-I-see-you" phase, but I think things will be alright. In the meantime, all I can do is listen to my music and live life one day at a time.

...Heard the awesomest quote today, too:

"Life life as if yesterday never happened. Life life as if tomorrow never will."

<3