Realization and Recuperation

So I think it finally hit me tonight. I was totally joking around with friends when it happened, but it happened. The realization that I no longer have a whole heart has finally caught up with me. I've realized that I won't be able to get into a relationship without questioning myself (because as stupid and asinine as it is, some part of me thinks that I turned him). I won't say that the experience didn't kinda sorta maybe screw me over. But I can't be mad at him, because he's one of those people that I just honestly can't be mad at. It's impossible. So without someone to blame, I blame myself. For not being good enough, maybe. Pretty enough? Funny enough?

...Damn it all. I hate it when I get into these self-destructive mindsets.

But trying to get into another relationship is going to prove... interesting. Hooray that I've finally realized all this shit so I can maybe go outside and take a walk at Midnight-thirty in the morning and cry it out, but seriously... I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that I'll get attached to someone again, and then we'll end, and I'll be further shoved into my corner of insecurity. I'm afraid that I'll get shoved so far into my corner of insecurity that I won't be able to trust anyone with my heart again. I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone.

...I'm afraid I won't be able to love.

So now I turn off my computer and crawl up into my bed and curl up under my blanket and try not to cry as, across the room, my roommate obliviously surfs the internet. The realization is good, I suppose. But the recuperation is going to be... rough.

Closure Week. It looms.

Un: Talk to her. Get this shit figured out. No more ignoring each other. We're going to talk, and we're going to understand each other. And it's going to end well.

Deux: Talk to Mom. Get this shit figured out. No more ignoring the fact that she brushes me off whenever I try and act civil. We're going to talk, and we're going to understand each other. And it's going to end well.

Trois: Talk to... him. :-/ Get some of this stuff figured out. No more hiding behind a smile as I wonder what really happened. I just reallyreallyreallyreally hope that this doesn't cause anymore awkwardness... Hopefully I can keep my tongue from running away from me, and actually tell him what's going on in my head... something you all know I'm so wonderful at doing. But we're going to talk... if I can find the nerve/time to ask him to coffee (which shouldn't be as scary as I'm making it, considering that he's usually cool with this stuff), and hopefully we can understand each other. Or I can understand him. Hm. But it's going to end well, I know it. Mhm, yus. -frets-

NEXT WEEK. IS CLOSURE WEEK. DO NOT LET ME CHICKEN OUT.

~Purely Dedicated to One Amazing Song~

...Night. And the Spirit of life.
...Calling... Mamela...

...And a voice,
...With the fear of a child
Answers... Mamela.

Ubukhosi bo khokho [Throne of the ancestors]
We ndodana ye sizwe sonke [Oh, son of the nation)]

Wait!!--There's no mountain too great.
Hear the words and have faith
...Have faith...

Hela, hey mamela...

He lives in you, He lives in me
He watches over everything we see
Into the water, into the truth
In your reflection; He lives in you...
------------------------------------------------


Yeah, I've totally got another one of those songs. You know the ones that you absolutely LOVE, and you can't stop listening to them, and you go for a day or THREE just listening to this song and singing it and humming it and posting lines from it on Facebook because it's JUST THAT AWESOME--and then you find another song that tears your attention away from it. :D


I think this is the third song within the week that I've had on repeat. Mhm, and it is a gooooood song. Plus, it's Swahili/Zulu, so I can sing to myself and no one will know what I'm saying. Hooray for more reasons to look at the black kid in a funny manner!!! 


((And OMG my drams are wigging me out. More on that at a later date. Mhm, yus.))


...Ingonyama nengw' enamabala...


(A Lion and a Leopard come to this open place., in case you don't understand Swahili. :P)