Realization and Recuperation

So I think it finally hit me tonight. I was totally joking around with friends when it happened, but it happened. The realization that I no longer have a whole heart has finally caught up with me. I've realized that I won't be able to get into a relationship without questioning myself (because as stupid and asinine as it is, some part of me thinks that I turned him). I won't say that the experience didn't kinda sorta maybe screw me over. But I can't be mad at him, because he's one of those people that I just honestly can't be mad at. It's impossible. So without someone to blame, I blame myself. For not being good enough, maybe. Pretty enough? Funny enough?

...Damn it all. I hate it when I get into these self-destructive mindsets.

But trying to get into another relationship is going to prove... interesting. Hooray that I've finally realized all this shit so I can maybe go outside and take a walk at Midnight-thirty in the morning and cry it out, but seriously... I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that I'll get attached to someone again, and then we'll end, and I'll be further shoved into my corner of insecurity. I'm afraid that I'll get shoved so far into my corner of insecurity that I won't be able to trust anyone with my heart again. I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone.

...I'm afraid I won't be able to love.

So now I turn off my computer and crawl up into my bed and curl up under my blanket and try not to cry as, across the room, my roommate obliviously surfs the internet. The realization is good, I suppose. But the recuperation is going to be... rough.