-insert fitting title-

Blah. I'm so far gone, anymore. Life is crumbling just a bit. 

Okay, no. Life is crumbling a FUCK TON.
Worst thing is, I know I need to talk to someone about it, but I can't. It's extremely difficult for me to actually go to someone and ask them if I could decompress at them. So I just don't talk. To anyone. At all.

Not good, considering I haven't really talked to anyone at all about anything for nearly twenty years.

(-insert shudder- Whoo. Twenty years. I feel... old.)

It's not that I don't want to talk to anyone, it's just that I physically cannot bring myself to initiate conversation. And once conversation is started, I don't know what to say. I have extreme difficulty getting the emotions and feelings from my mind into verbal form. It will, most likely, take someone quite literally dragging me somewhere, sitting me down, and prompting me until I cave and unload my life onto them.

...Geez, I've got problems.

Talked to one of my friends the other day, and she instructed me to talk to someone. And I nodded and said that I'd try, but now that I'm trying to find someone to talk to, all the same worries are coming back. They don't have the time, or there's so much more constructive things that they could be doing than worrying about my problems, and I'd be imposing on their time, and so on and so forth.

I'd love someone to unload on. Someone who I can vent and cry to (...yeah, cry. I want to cry again. I want that piece of emotion back, Mother dearest. I'm tired of sucking it up and dealing with it, and I want to cry again. I hope you're pleased with yourself.), and someone who would vent and cry with me. Someone who I can lean on, but whom I can also support. But I don't feel... close enough to anyone to do that. I can count on one hand the people who I feel comfortable decompressing at, but I don't feel that we're really that close. I know that I care ridiculously deeply for said people, and I'd do anything at all for them, but I don't feel that it's entirely mutual. But having someone to relate to, having that mutual connection where I would hold them when they need it, and they'd hold me when I needed it... 

...I hate this doubting part of me.

I want to believe them. I really do. But I just don't feel.. worth it.

If anyone's reading this, and thinking things, let me tell you one thing straight up: this is indeed a cry for help, because there's no way I'd say any of this in real life. The Katelynn you see walking between classes is a Katelynn who puts on a mask and suffers through it until she gets home. The Katelynn you see as the funny kid with the wit and the jokes is no more than a shaking, quivering, terrified mess of emotion. And you'll just never know these things, because you'll wave and ask me how I'm doing, and I'll hesitate before smiling and saying "I'm good, how are you?" And I'd change it, but I really don't know how. I can't. I'd say it's because I'm afraid, but I honestly don't know anymore.

Idunno. Maybe I'm just tired. And maybe I'm a bluebird wid' a frog for me uncle. I know being silent will only make things worse, but it's hard to change something I've been doing all my life...