And My Views Are On The Table -religion(flame)warning-

Earth below us,
Drifting, falling;
Floating weightless,
Calling, calling home...

Yeah, dunno why I put that up there. It's what's playing on my Playlist at the moment, and the colors are helping me think. I think I'll put this one on repeat, aye. And basically this is just a buffer, so your tender eyes don't see the blasphemous blog entry I'm about to lay down. Go to bed, O thou who is easily offended. Leave this terifying article to someone who will contribute something other than "OMG WTF, YOU'RE GONNA GET STRUCK BY LITENING, LOL."

That is all.

The rest of you, please, come sit with me and attempt to listen to what I have to say, and thank you for suffering through that first little bit.

Anywho, I think it's high time I sit down at the computer and figure out exactly what the hell is going on with me--specifically in the area of friendships and religion. As usual, this won't be in any organized form, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be rambling. You've been warned.

Religion. Friendship. Why can't they mix? Why should anyone have to give up one to keep the other? I have very good friends from all walks of life, and I love them all. So why, if the viewpoints of one friend disagree with my own, should I have to choose sides? Situation is as follows:

Jane is really close friends with Jill. Jill is a super-religious Bible thumper with a tendency to be rather stubborn. Jane has several friends who are, for lack of a better word, gay. Jane is perfectly fine with that--she's got no problem at all with it, and is just as close to them as she is to any of her other friends. Jill, however, is a mite prejudiced against homosexuals, and is trying to convince Jane that GAY = BAD, and that being friends with said gay people will end up with Jane burning in Hell.

...Do you know what it's like, having a close friend telling you that you're going to burn in Hell? It's really something. Nearly akin to someone taking a very thin knife and inserting it into your chest, carefully, so you don't notice it going in--then TWISTING IT.

Herein lies my question. Why the fuck can't I love all of my friends equally? I really don't get it. And here is where I question things I shouldn't really question--like God. What God would pose this problem to the people He loves? What God would let someone form close relationships with people, then make them choose one or the other? And if homosexuality is such a crime, then why did God allow it? The last time I checked, loving someone wasn't illegal, or against the Bible. Does it matter whether the person you love has the same genitals that you have? Maybe it's only me, but I tend to look at personality and values--and not whether they have a pole or a hole. I'm not saying that I currently find any female attractive, but I think that's just because I haven't found anyone who's been more than a friend. Yet.

Subject reversion--And if God loves the world so much, why does He let His people murder each other, and rape and steal and lie and go to other countries and MURDER in His name? It doesn't seem right to me, that a God of Love and Righteousness and Justice would turn His eye on all the hurt that is caused because of people believing that they're doing what they do for Him.

Can you maybe see how I might be questioning Him just kind of a little bit?

I just don't understand it. I'd really love to understand it, because maybe then I could straighten my most tangly issues out, once and for all. But until then, I really think Jane is going to have to suffer onward and continue with these skirmishes with Jill.

Because, when it really comes down to it... given the choices, I think I'd rather burn than give up the friendships I've made. I don't care.

Come. What. Fucking. May.

-unloads-

GAHHHHH, I've got so much on my mind right now. And music isn't helping.

MUSIC. ISN'T. HELPING.

And that's not cool. Music can always help. And when it can't help, it shakes me up a bit...
 
-runs in panicking circles-

Yeah, I totally just wasted about a minute of your life with nothing but spammitty spam junk posting. Yay, me.

...That is all. -mopes-

There's a Fuse--

--and it's lit. And the bomb's going to go off presently.

I knew she'd find out. And I knew it would hurt. But I didn't know she would outright question our friendship. I knew she'd be hurt, but... Ehh.

It takes quite a lot to phase me. Honestly. But hit me in the right spot and you can knock me down with little effort. It's safe to say that I haven't been this shaken in years.

And just another quick word: I'm so glad I've got friends I can talk to when things go to shit. I mean, usually I'm the one that they come to when they need to talk... But it's great to know that I've got some stability when I fall.

...Thanks, guys. It means a lot.

-mumbles-

I'm holding myself back. I'm the only thing keeping me from this.

But I don't want to go through this again. I really don't want to go through it all over again.

It feels like it's too early. I feel that I'll be... hurting him, somehow. But I know it most likely won't matter to him, but still... Why do I still worry about this so much?

...Anywho. Feels too soon, and I really don't want to admit it, but there's this guy...

Just a thought--

--so I know this is totally random, but it really intrigued me, and I felt like sharing it. Not sure why, although when I look at the clock and realize how late it is, I can't help but think if the lack of sleep is affecting my mind at all...

Anywho, I was on this random chat site. Omegle. You might've heard of it. Basically, you go and chat with strangers. Which means there are hundreds of creepers. Which means there's much fun to be had when it comes to messing with said creepers. But I digress.

I meet this person, and we talk, and he seems like a genuinely genuine person, which means I'll actually put some effort into talking in a civilized manner. We get to talking, and he asks me what my favorite color is (his is grey, btw. >.>). I tell him it's blue, and he asks why. I get to thinking about it and surprise myself with my answer:

{{Stranger: why is blue your favorite color?

You: ...Because (and this is going to make absolutely no sense whatsoever) I like the way it sounds.}}

....My answer amuses me. I'm not sure why, but that's how I see most music. It has color. Dunno why. Is that too weird..?

{{Stranger: i think i understand. that is novel though, hearing notes being referred to as blue

You: That's how it's always been. Never really thought about it or voiced it before, though. It works for me, though.
You: And different instruments have different colors, and vice versa.
You: Trumpets are brighter, usually reds and yellows and oranges.
You: Flutes are clearer, usually neon colors until their lower ranges. Then it cools down a bit.}}

And now I'm thinking that this is weird. Is it weird? Dunno. It's just a thought. Thought someone might be interested in it. Not sure who, but... yeah. Shutting up now. Going to bed now. >.<

Yeah... I'm done.

So I've decided that I'm finished. I've lost it, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I'm going insane, and no one can help. I need to schedule an appointment with my adviser. And the counseling center.

...Wow, I feel like a nutcase now.

Everything has decided to SMASH DOWN on me ALL AT ONCE. And I'm scrambling, trying to push it all back, but I

can't.

So I just kinda smile as I watch my life fall apart around me.

...Fun.

-crawls into hole-

I'll keep y'all posted.

Like watching a bubble...

...It rises into the air, so beautiful, so perfect. Then the wind picks up, and tosses it about. And you know that the bubble will burst eventually. You just don't know when.

...This is going to hurt us. I just don't know when she's going to find out.

See, I have a friend. I net her a few years back at a musical festival. She lived in the neighboring town, and we both played flute at the festival. Sat next to each other, chatted about life and stuff. Seemed like pretty good friends.

The following school year, she moves to my town, and we become even closer friends. She really depended on me to support her, and through a confession one night I stayed over at her house, she told me that if it wasn't for my friendship, she'd probably have committed suicide. (She has a self-esteem problem. Majorly.)

That's a fucking sobering fact, boys and girls.

Anywho, I get a call from her earlier today, and we're chatting about life and such. I don't even know how we got on the subject, but the conversation turns to homosexuality. And she goes on this FLAMING RANT about how she really dislikes (i.e., HATES) homosexuals. Naturally, I don't tell her that a few of my best friends are gay. Tactfully, I change the subject.

Aaaaand, then she goes to ask me how my relationship is going.

...HRM.

I can't lie to her. I told her we broke up, and that it wasn't a big deal, and that we're still awesome friends. But she wanted details, and I refused to give them to her. Because I know she'll freak the fuck out.

I feel like I'm betraying her. I know she's going to find out about this eventually, but I'm terrified to see where it goes from there. If she does anything after that... I'd never forgive myself. Ever.

Now, I know there aren't many people who read this, but if you do, I beg for your advice. On my knees, pleading. There are unshed tears in my eyes. I. Don't. Know. What. To. Do. I don't care if you're just browsing through the blog list--I need your help. I don't care if you don't know me, I don't care if I don't know you. I don't care if we're friends or otherwise. I'm stuck, and I've nowhere to go.

I'm sleeping on it, though. Praying a bit. Or a lot. Wait it out. What more can I do?

...It's like watching a bubble--one that will trigger the atom bomb.

Take Your Pick

Valentine's Day. Singles' Awareness Day. Choose whichever you'd like, and tote your cause.

But step lightly today, though, as some don't really give a flying fuck if you're single and so very lonely and OMG BOO-fucking-HOO.

On the flipside, don't rub it in peoples' faces that you and your beloved are going to brunch and then to the movies and then to your apartment for a nice candle-lit fuck dinner becuase you love each other so very very very much.

As for me, I'm going to sit here and laugh at the world as I push it all under my facade. Maybe I'll go out with the girls today. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Because I'm not bitter. Because life isn't bittersweet. Because it won't take me another nineteen years for me to find anyone HALF as amazing as he is. -chocolate nom-

Wish you were here--(Rantage)

Alrighty, let's lay this out on the table once and for all, because I'm rather fed up with this.

You, good sir, are the most loathsome bastard ever to walk the face of the earth. I wonder how you can live with yourself. You treat people as if they are nothing to you--even the people who call themselves your friends!!! How can THEY live with you!?! It's severely against my nature to hate people--and I can safely say I don't hate, only strongly dislike--but YOU.. Oho, you are the lowest on my list. If I was a person who hated, I would hate you.

And as for YOU--you just really kind of annoy me. I like you better than I like him, but seriously. Do you really have to be so... jerk-ish? I know there are people that you don't care for, but you you have to be so up-fucking rude about it!?

...Hi, my name's Katelynn Inman. I'd like to think that I'm a nice person. I'm pretty damn easy to get along with, once I get past the fact that I'm fatally shy. I don't know of any enemies that I've made, though I know exactly who would be an enemy if I wasn't as... Katelynn-ish.

See, Katelynn lives life with under a facade. She wears a lovely little mask that she's gotten very good at wearing. Under this mask is all the hurt and anger and emotion that you'll never see. Ever. And the awesome part is that Katelynn has total and complete control over it. So when she gets pissed, on goes the mask and the day is fine.

Moral of the story? You see Katelynn and you wave. She smiles and waves back.

But she really doesn't like you.

But you'll never know.

[So... I feel a bit better now that I've ranted a bit. ^_^]

Randomosity, again.

...Haha, just unearthed this silly little thing. It made me laugh, how cute it was trying to be.

Literally Insane, yay! Huzzah for HS blawgs!

...Anywhoz.

I think I need to get over this. Because he looks so happy now. And I've realized that I will not make things better by opening my mouth and making a complete idiot of myself. So this is me grinnin' and bearin' it. Yey for me.

...And I'm back on the lonely bus. Hopefully I can stay out of the moping seats.