...Happy birthday to... Me...

I read something earlier today that made my heart cry. I wanted to reach out to that person and hold him, to reassure him that everything would be alright, that the world was still worth living in, that not all was lost. He seemed sick of the world in many ways, and it sounded like he had little holding him together save for his own perseverance. Delving deeper into the readings, I found things about the author that I never knew before--things that made me laugh, cry, and hurt for him. One year ago, I would've turned my nose up at some of the things I learned. I would've jumped to conclusions, shied away.

One year does a lot to a person.

I've never really stopped to think about where I could be if things were different. If I hadn't been adopted, I definitely wouldn't be up at UI, pursuing my music. I wouldn't have the amazing friends I have now. I wouldn't be in a relationship like this one. I wouldn't have my music. And to me, it just seems... impossible. I can't see myself without this great experience that's been offered to me. I just... CAN'T. If I still lived in Cali, with my five siblings... what would I be? Who would I be? Would I be doing drugs? Alcohol? Pregnant? A high-school dropout? College dropout? Working two jobs? It's hideous to think about, but the more I think about it, the more it scars me... and the more I'm drawn in.

....Ehh. Shudder-worthy. Subject change.

I'm watching the clock as I'm typing. It's 11:44 PM, Pacific time. I have 21 minutes left of being 18. And I'm pretty sure that this year has been the most amazing. I've found so much about myself--things I never thought would be true about me. It's awesome and terrifying at the same time... I could go on forever about it, but I'm not sure you'd like to hear about the veryvery innerworks of my mind.

Life is just.... holyshit. It's amazing. I love it. I hate it. I wish I could do more. I wish I could realize that it's ME holding myself back. I wish... too much.

Dammit. Is this what happens when you get old? If so, I think I'm going to go fucking insane.

...11:55.

It's a testament to the times, I think, that you guys will be reading my first words as a 19-year-old. Blog. Meh. Good emotional outlet. But I don't dare write everything I want. I'm too afraid. Of what? Don't ask. I can't describe.

My name is Katelynn Inman, and I am eighteen years old.

11:59.

...I love you all. Don't forget that, yes? Yes. I love each of you, more than you know. More than I know.

Hm. Whadda you know...

...My name is Katelynn Inman. I am nineteen years old.

...Love you guys. <3