Sad, But So Very, Very True

So I have a failproof way of determining whether a guy is gay. It's stupid, but it makes me laugh in a hilariously sad sort of way.
So.

Step one--Good sense of humor? (Like, is he comfortable with the jokes I tend to break ice with, and will he tease me about it as well?) If yes, go on. If not... meh. Go easy on the jokes, girl.

Step two--Is he cute? If yes, go on. If no, don't even worry about it, Katelynn. Make friends, go on with life.

Step three--Could you maybe see yourself in a relationship maybe kinda even just a bit? If yes... Well, Katelynn. Sorry to say it, but he's prolly gay.

Not that it's a bad thing, but seeing your track record with guys that attract you and how things have ended up... Just don't jump too far before you look and see what color the water is. But, hey!! You've got an awesome friend now, and even more reason to ignore your super religious friend (who texted you today saying that she was sorry, but she's praying for you and for your gay friend).

I'm laughing. At your super religious friend right now. Because she JUST DOESN'T GET IT and you're trying to figure out HOW SHE'LL GET IT THROUGH HER SKULL that you DON'T WANT HELP and you DON'T NEED HELP and how all her "HELPING" is actually making things WORSE.

...Hm. This is an odd post. This was an odd thought. And it evolved into stuff that you really need to let go of, Katelynn. Go drink some water. Solve that Rubik's Cube two or three more times. Try an go to beds, yus? Yus.

G'night, people.

Pointless Heart-on-Sleeveness Shit

Please. Can we be done? I want to be done. I don't have the energy to do this anymore. You've worn me thin, and I know the next time we talk I'm going to snap. I'm tired. I'm torn. I don't have the energy to cry, even. If I did, I would.

I don't get angry at people. It's not who I am. I get annoyed, and I fume, and I write poetry and terrible music. I. Don't. Get. Angry. And I don't get overly emotional. Any strong feelings I get are transferred into my music and my writing. I rarely get so emotional that I cry. It just doesn't happen.

You, however, have ultimately forced me to anger. I've tried my best to ignore it, but you just keep trying to force feed me the same shit over and over and over and you just DON'T GET IT. You try and convince me of things, but you fail to understand that shoving things down my throat is only pushing me farther away.

...For those of you not in the know (although if you're reading this, you probably know by now), life has fucked with me lately. I've been thinking things. Questioning things that I don't feel comfortable questioning. And I've decided that until I can figure out where my place in life is, I'm stepping back from things. As my friends, I hope that you can understand that I have the right to make my own decisions in life. I want to be my own person, and not someone who lives their life regurgitating ideas that other people have fed me through the years. And I'm trusting you guys to respect that, and not tear me apart for it. So, that said, let's lay some stuff out on the table. This isn't Katelynn in a nutshell. This is Katelynn--her mind, her emotions, her inner workings. Everything.

SO, THEN:

I'm shy. Insecure. Emotional. I keep the bad stuff inside and wear masks from day to day, and it gets me through the wild rollercoaster called life. But there's only so much you can sweep under a rug. There's only so much you can shake a pop bottle before it explodes. You can only stretch a rubber band so far before it snaps and you end up with a nasty welt on your hand. I'm not saying that I'm an emotional train wreck in the making (though it certainly feels like it at the moment), and I'm not saying that you should interact with me differently. Again, this is just me telling y'all who I am. This should change nothing. Savvy? So I think what I'm trying to say is that Katelynn's a bit more complex than you think she is.

I won't be labeled by any one religion. This doesn't mean that I'm rejecting everything. I just don't agree with how religion separates people, divides them, makes them hate. I agree with some ideals, and disagree with others. If you have a problem with that, deal with it. This is who I am, and it's high time people realize this. I don't enjoy it when people try to force-feed me ideas, and I like it even less when I try to remedy things and the other party refuses to remove their heads from their sphincters and actually maybe TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING AND OPEN THEIR MINDS TO THE IDEA THAT I'M NOT OKAY WITH YOU SHOVING YOUR CONVICTIONS IN MY FACE.

Oh, let's delve away from the angry ranting for a bit, shall we? Let's see what else we can bring to the light... Ah. Back to the insecure part up thar. That comes into play right about now. I'm scared to death of things. Making an idiot of myself in public, being a disappointment to people. Being an inconvenience, or a liability. I'm afraid that I'll let people down. I'm afraid that if I let people see who I am under the shell of sarcasm and shining personality, they'll judge me. And I'm scared to death that once people read this, they'll see me differently. Which, perhaps, is what's going to happen. And you think "Why did you post this if you don't want people to view you differently?" My answer is simple. I don't want them to view me differently. But I want them to know. I don't want them to judge, but I want them to know.

With the insecurity comes a rather... diminished self image. Rather. It's gotten better since high school (We won't go there. Yikes.), but still. Dresses make me feel silly-ish. When people say how pretty I look in that black dress I own, I can't believe them. Just can't. Call me insecure. End of that story.

Ooh, let's touch this button, seeing as we need another reason to piss people off--I don't have anything against non-heterosexual people. That's right, folks. Homosexuality is fine by me. I've no problem with it, and I suppose I should go so far as to say that I support it. A good number of my closest friends are gay/bisexual, and I love them just the same as I would any other friend. At times, they're easier to talk to than most of my straight friends. And I. Love. Them. And do you know what else? THERE ISN'T A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT ME LOVING THEM. So get off your soapbox and leave me and my emotions the fuck alone.

Hm. This is sounding like it's pointed towards one person. Maybe I shouldn't do that. You'll start thinking that this is pointed towards one person.

Oh. WAIT. >:(

Again, I'm not like this. Ever. But the bottle has been shaken too much. You, darling, are the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. You broke it. Snapped it. Crumpled it up and tossed it away, occasionally poking it with your righteous stick and seeing if it will come around anytime soon.

-fumes-

And now I'm realizing that it's really late, and that I'm probably going to regret posting this in the morning. But at the moment I don't give a shit, because I feel the selfish need to get really angry for once in my life, and my talking buddy isn't online. So here I rant and make NO SENSE AT ALL. I'm just an insecure bundle of nerves and unstable emotion that wears a perpetually happy mask. Yet you guys seem to love me anyway. I wonder why, sometimes. And I'm pretty sure I didn't write everything here that I wanted to (because we all know how eloquent Katelynn is when mental turmoil wields its mighty hammer), but it's fucking midnight, people. And I'm going to bed soon. Because I want to be done.

...Can we be done?

Realization and Recuperation

So I think it finally hit me tonight. I was totally joking around with friends when it happened, but it happened. The realization that I no longer have a whole heart has finally caught up with me. I've realized that I won't be able to get into a relationship without questioning myself (because as stupid and asinine as it is, some part of me thinks that I turned him). I won't say that the experience didn't kinda sorta maybe screw me over. But I can't be mad at him, because he's one of those people that I just honestly can't be mad at. It's impossible. So without someone to blame, I blame myself. For not being good enough, maybe. Pretty enough? Funny enough?

...Damn it all. I hate it when I get into these self-destructive mindsets.

But trying to get into another relationship is going to prove... interesting. Hooray that I've finally realized all this shit so I can maybe go outside and take a walk at Midnight-thirty in the morning and cry it out, but seriously... I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that I'll get attached to someone again, and then we'll end, and I'll be further shoved into my corner of insecurity. I'm afraid that I'll get shoved so far into my corner of insecurity that I won't be able to trust anyone with my heart again. I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone.

...I'm afraid I won't be able to love.

So now I turn off my computer and crawl up into my bed and curl up under my blanket and try not to cry as, across the room, my roommate obliviously surfs the internet. The realization is good, I suppose. But the recuperation is going to be... rough.

Closure Week. It looms.

Un: Talk to her. Get this shit figured out. No more ignoring each other. We're going to talk, and we're going to understand each other. And it's going to end well.

Deux: Talk to Mom. Get this shit figured out. No more ignoring the fact that she brushes me off whenever I try and act civil. We're going to talk, and we're going to understand each other. And it's going to end well.

Trois: Talk to... him. :-/ Get some of this stuff figured out. No more hiding behind a smile as I wonder what really happened. I just reallyreallyreallyreally hope that this doesn't cause anymore awkwardness... Hopefully I can keep my tongue from running away from me, and actually tell him what's going on in my head... something you all know I'm so wonderful at doing. But we're going to talk... if I can find the nerve/time to ask him to coffee (which shouldn't be as scary as I'm making it, considering that he's usually cool with this stuff), and hopefully we can understand each other. Or I can understand him. Hm. But it's going to end well, I know it. Mhm, yus. -frets-

NEXT WEEK. IS CLOSURE WEEK. DO NOT LET ME CHICKEN OUT.

~Purely Dedicated to One Amazing Song~

...Night. And the Spirit of life.
...Calling... Mamela...

...And a voice,
...With the fear of a child
Answers... Mamela.

Ubukhosi bo khokho [Throne of the ancestors]
We ndodana ye sizwe sonke [Oh, son of the nation)]

Wait!!--There's no mountain too great.
Hear the words and have faith
...Have faith...

Hela, hey mamela...

He lives in you, He lives in me
He watches over everything we see
Into the water, into the truth
In your reflection; He lives in you...
------------------------------------------------


Yeah, I've totally got another one of those songs. You know the ones that you absolutely LOVE, and you can't stop listening to them, and you go for a day or THREE just listening to this song and singing it and humming it and posting lines from it on Facebook because it's JUST THAT AWESOME--and then you find another song that tears your attention away from it. :D


I think this is the third song within the week that I've had on repeat. Mhm, and it is a gooooood song. Plus, it's Swahili/Zulu, so I can sing to myself and no one will know what I'm saying. Hooray for more reasons to look at the black kid in a funny manner!!! 


((And OMG my drams are wigging me out. More on that at a later date. Mhm, yus.))


...Ingonyama nengw' enamabala...


(A Lion and a Leopard come to this open place., in case you don't understand Swahili. :P)

Loneliness Rant Just a Bit

It's been a good past few days. Today was particularly epic. It rained. And it didn't just rain--it THUNDERED. And the wind blew, and the sky lit up in a blinding white flash, and it was GLORIOUS.

At times like these, I really wish I could fly.

...Random digression. Yikes.

Anywho, I really should've know that shit was gonna go down. Things were too awesome to last for long. Should've knowwwwwnnnn. GAH.

Too much to think about. Too much to feel. Too much that I want so badly to happen, and too much that never will.

...Life is funny like that sometimes. Makes me laugh and cry and sing and want to fall apart all at once.

Hooray for musical duct tape. Makes things not fall apart as easily.

...And this may sound disgustingly immature of me, but I have times when I just really want boy snuggles. With a boy that I actually really like. I think I'm too picky when it comes to boys, though. Snuggles would be lovely. Pure, innocent snuggles. My head on his shoulder, his arms around me. Silent. Maybe watching stars, or watching a movie, or just sitting there watching the darkness and listening to music. And just snuggling. And nothing more. Is that a bad thing? Too much to ask?

Buuuuut, until then, I shall snuggle with my invisible lover and blush when he doesn't kiss me sweetly on the cheek.

-descends into lonely spiral of good music-

And My Views Are On The Table -religion(flame)warning-

Earth below us,
Drifting, falling;
Floating weightless,
Calling, calling home...

Yeah, dunno why I put that up there. It's what's playing on my Playlist at the moment, and the colors are helping me think. I think I'll put this one on repeat, aye. And basically this is just a buffer, so your tender eyes don't see the blasphemous blog entry I'm about to lay down. Go to bed, O thou who is easily offended. Leave this terifying article to someone who will contribute something other than "OMG WTF, YOU'RE GONNA GET STRUCK BY LITENING, LOL."

That is all.

The rest of you, please, come sit with me and attempt to listen to what I have to say, and thank you for suffering through that first little bit.

Anywho, I think it's high time I sit down at the computer and figure out exactly what the hell is going on with me--specifically in the area of friendships and religion. As usual, this won't be in any organized form, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be rambling. You've been warned.

Religion. Friendship. Why can't they mix? Why should anyone have to give up one to keep the other? I have very good friends from all walks of life, and I love them all. So why, if the viewpoints of one friend disagree with my own, should I have to choose sides? Situation is as follows:

Jane is really close friends with Jill. Jill is a super-religious Bible thumper with a tendency to be rather stubborn. Jane has several friends who are, for lack of a better word, gay. Jane is perfectly fine with that--she's got no problem at all with it, and is just as close to them as she is to any of her other friends. Jill, however, is a mite prejudiced against homosexuals, and is trying to convince Jane that GAY = BAD, and that being friends with said gay people will end up with Jane burning in Hell.

...Do you know what it's like, having a close friend telling you that you're going to burn in Hell? It's really something. Nearly akin to someone taking a very thin knife and inserting it into your chest, carefully, so you don't notice it going in--then TWISTING IT.

Herein lies my question. Why the fuck can't I love all of my friends equally? I really don't get it. And here is where I question things I shouldn't really question--like God. What God would pose this problem to the people He loves? What God would let someone form close relationships with people, then make them choose one or the other? And if homosexuality is such a crime, then why did God allow it? The last time I checked, loving someone wasn't illegal, or against the Bible. Does it matter whether the person you love has the same genitals that you have? Maybe it's only me, but I tend to look at personality and values--and not whether they have a pole or a hole. I'm not saying that I currently find any female attractive, but I think that's just because I haven't found anyone who's been more than a friend. Yet.

Subject reversion--And if God loves the world so much, why does He let His people murder each other, and rape and steal and lie and go to other countries and MURDER in His name? It doesn't seem right to me, that a God of Love and Righteousness and Justice would turn His eye on all the hurt that is caused because of people believing that they're doing what they do for Him.

Can you maybe see how I might be questioning Him just kind of a little bit?

I just don't understand it. I'd really love to understand it, because maybe then I could straighten my most tangly issues out, once and for all. But until then, I really think Jane is going to have to suffer onward and continue with these skirmishes with Jill.

Because, when it really comes down to it... given the choices, I think I'd rather burn than give up the friendships I've made. I don't care.

Come. What. Fucking. May.

-unloads-

GAHHHHH, I've got so much on my mind right now. And music isn't helping.

MUSIC. ISN'T. HELPING.

And that's not cool. Music can always help. And when it can't help, it shakes me up a bit...
 
-runs in panicking circles-

Yeah, I totally just wasted about a minute of your life with nothing but spammitty spam junk posting. Yay, me.

...That is all. -mopes-

There's a Fuse--

--and it's lit. And the bomb's going to go off presently.

I knew she'd find out. And I knew it would hurt. But I didn't know she would outright question our friendship. I knew she'd be hurt, but... Ehh.

It takes quite a lot to phase me. Honestly. But hit me in the right spot and you can knock me down with little effort. It's safe to say that I haven't been this shaken in years.

And just another quick word: I'm so glad I've got friends I can talk to when things go to shit. I mean, usually I'm the one that they come to when they need to talk... But it's great to know that I've got some stability when I fall.

...Thanks, guys. It means a lot.

-mumbles-

I'm holding myself back. I'm the only thing keeping me from this.

But I don't want to go through this again. I really don't want to go through it all over again.

It feels like it's too early. I feel that I'll be... hurting him, somehow. But I know it most likely won't matter to him, but still... Why do I still worry about this so much?

...Anywho. Feels too soon, and I really don't want to admit it, but there's this guy...